HUMOR Episode IX Anti-Story Treatment Thread

After seeing that there are apparently people out there who really did not like The Last Jedi to the point they never want to see a Star Wars movie again, it got me thinking, what would a Star Wars movie have to look like to completely turn me off from the franchise?

This thread is an anti-story treatment thread. In it you state the WORST possible story you can come up with for Episode IX. Make it cheesy, make it non-believable, make it absolutely terrible, all in good fun!

Here's my anti-story ideas for Episode IX:

1. The opening crawl informs us that it is 2 months later and Leia died. The story begins with Rey and R2 on Ahch To. Rey is reading a spell out of one of the Jedi books. The spell opens a vortex, and out of it steps 7 Force ghosts: Qui Gon, Obi Wan, Yoda, Anakin, Luke, Leia, and Han (What? Han never could use the Force...too bad, this is happening). Yet, they aren't Force ghosts! They are real again, back to life, but all CGI versions from their "prime years." 30 year old CGI Luke Skywalker and 30 year old CGI Anakin Skywalker high five and yell, "We're back, baby!" Chewbacca is really happy to see Han again. Also, Chewbacca and the porgs have formed a sort of symbiotic relationship so that they are with him at all times and help him in completing tasks. Everyone tells Rey that she did a really good job with that spell and that she is powerful with the Force. Obi Wan also pulls Rey aside and tells her that he was indeed her father. "I know," she replies. "Somehow, I've always known." Rey fixes the Skywalker blue saber and just uses it again.

2. Back on the Supremacy which Kylo Ren fixed and now lives on, using the same throne room that Snoke used, a vortex opens there too. Little did Rey know that the Force balances out her spell by also returning former dark side users (because that's what is meant by the Force balancing). Out walks Snoke, Darth Vader (wait...isn't Anakin on the lightside? Yes, but here's Darth Vader too. Don't think about it too much, who cares?), Emperor Palpatine, Count Dooku, Darth Maul, Darth Plagueis, and Viceroy Nute Gunray. "Once more the Sith will rule the galaxy!" Palpatine yells as he walks out of the portal.

3. From here, we get training montages of Rey with the light side people and Kylo Ren with the dark side people. The training lasts for half of the movie just to make clear to the audience that you can't just be strong in the Force, you need to also train really hard with lots of mentors and tests and stuff. Chewbacca and the porgs make hilarious comic relief for the light side training scenes. The Knights of Ren turn out to be complete morons, and are cannon fodder for the dark side training scenes. There is at least one scene where Palpatine and Dooku are just electrocuting a Knight of Ren for fun and everyone's laughing and having a good time with it. One of the Knights of Ren says "I've got a bad feeling about this" before going into Kylo Ren's training room.

4. Meanwhile, the Resistance is trying to find a way back onto the Supremacy so that they can take out Kylo Ren and bring an end to the war once and for all. They haven't recruited anyone or done anything new since the last movie. Instead, they hatch a last ditch effort assassination plot. Rose, Finn, and Poe are sent back to Canto Bight to get a hold of that code breaker that they were supposed to get a hold of in TLJ, so that they can break through the Supremacy's cryptography and get on the ship to take out Kylo Ren. We relive the entire Canto Bight story line one last time for nostalgia's sake. Rose gets to see the fathiers again, and they thank her for letting them free. It turns out that the fathiers are intelligent and can talk, they just avoided talking because they were scared of their masters before. No one ever tried to re-capture the fathiers, and they are now free wild animals. Broom boy joins the team at some point. He is now part of the Resistance. The team finally tracks down the master codebreaker, and they convince him to help out. We have to listen to him talk in his annoying rich person accent for the rest of the movie, but other than that he's actually one of the more enjoyable characters in the film.

5. The Resistance breaks onto the Supremacy following the only space battle in the entire movie (which is a very minor battle involving 3 x-wings and 7 tie fighters), but their plan is once again foiled by BB-H8. Everyone except broom boy is executed by Captain Phasma who now wears all black armor. Broom boy boards an escape pod and launches off into space, likely to be seen in a future trilogy. However, right before leaving, he plants a bomb on the ship. Boom! The Supremacy is taken out again. Kylo Ren and the dark side team evacuate the ship and take refuge on the nearby planet of Bespin.

6. Rey and the light side team sense that Kylo and the dark side team are on Bespin. They decide to all travel together on the Millennium Falcon (which has 0 porgs living on it), to take on Team Dark Side. Now, the coolest battle of all time happens as Rey and the light side team leap out of the Millennium Falcon and into the clouds! The audience cannot believe what they are seeing. Team Light Side has mastered Force flight! But the bad guys figured out this power too, and they also take off into the clouds to meet Team Light Side in battle. The most epic, over-the-top, lightsaber and CGI heavy, flying through the clouds battle happens between Team Light Side and Team Dark Side. It's like Star Wars meets Dragonball Z. Yoda and Palpatine have a rematch, and Obi Wan and Darth Vader. Luke and Anakin take out Nute Gunray in seconds, with Luke using his Force projection power to make 10 copies of himself. It's great! Clearly this is what the Force is all about. Epic battles.

7. Following a 10 minute send off of each character that paid homage and respect to each character in a "dying battle warrior" sort of way, something befitting to the character, we are down to only Kylo Ren and Rey remaining. Kylo Ren looks tormented and conflicted as usual. We see a tear in his eye. "Rey, what are we doing?" he yells through the clouds, and then the big reveal, "I love you!" The Force theme swells and Rey looks into Ben's eyes. "I know," she says, "somehow I've always known." (This is the second time she uses this line in the movie.) She lets go of the Skywalker saber and lets it fall into the clouds of Bespin...again. The two embrace, still flying in the clouds, and Luke's Force ghost appears. "You see, it is time for the Jedi to end. This is balance." Kylo Ren, now Ben again, and Rey look at Luke and smile. They hold hands and fly to Cloud City where they are proclaimed King and Queen by Maz Kanata and Lando. The movie is about to end, but then a cliffhanger to tie into a new spin off. "Wait, who are you people?" Kylo asks looking into the crowd. The camera pans over, and there in the crowd looking extremely cocky are the Disney's Monsters, Inc. monsters. They don't say anything, but look at Kylo and Rey as if they are there on a mission. The movie ends with the classic ending Star Wars music. The End!

Hope you enjoyed my Episode IX anti-story! I guarantee that if this is the plot of Episode IX I will never watch a Disney made Star Wars film again. Excited to read your anti-story!

 

I was going to say...you need some tie in to another franchise universe for this to be a truly great movie, but there it is right at the end! Nice work!