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(Fan Written) Episode IX: The Fallen Sons (Part I & II)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by SWSturm, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    [​IMG]


    Hello Everybody!

    So as you can see by the thread title I had an interesting reaction to Episode VIII. Having not written a single word since the Spring of '99, a year before I fled Los Angeles, I found myself back in front of the keyboard. I'm not going to go on about why Episode VIII was such a disappointment, I think many of you already know why or at least have your own reasons why it failed to deliver not only as a Star Wars movie but as a movie in general. A good analogy would be that, as a Star Wars fan, having a new movie come out is like being on the Price is Right and being told you just won a new car and then finding out it's a Matchbox 2-inch collectible.

    Not exactly up to expectations.

    Anyhow, I digress. So I started on December 21st and finished just this past week. When I took up the task I had several things in mind:

    1. Dial it up to 11 from the first scene and don't let up. Blow the audience to the back of theater (the one in their mind, anyway, since this will only ever be on the page) and keep them there.

    2. Be true to the characters. Emotionally true, that is. Emotional truth is very important in writing. Not just is a character's story arc but in a characters emotions. For example: Steven Spielberg has said that if he were to make CEOT3K today, Roy would never get on the mothership at the end. Why? Because, now being a father and husband. Spielberg realizes that a good father/husband would never just up and abandon their family which is precisely what Roy does when he gets on the mothership. A Rogue One example is Jyn's mother who abandon's her only child to go on a crazy suicide mission to save her husband. It just doesn't ring true. Unless Disney is saying she's a bad mother. I mean, just because she buys her clothes at the Jedi Outlet store doesn't mean she has to be a bad mother.

    3. Stay away as best as possible from "Fan Fiction" moments. Another example from Rogue One. Jyn is walking around Jedha and who does she bump into? The two guys from the Mos Eisley cantina. They have no point in the story, the moment brings the story to a screeching halt for a few seconds, and it just sticks out as being pointless and nothing more than a wink to fans. Also, how in the world did they escape Jedha before it got blown to heck? There's nothing wrong with fan service if it doesn't hurt/slow down the story. I'll admit, there's a brief moment or two in my script but they don't interrupt the flow of the story and the characters appear where you'd expect them to be.

    4. Make it epic. This is the final film in the Skywalker saga. Not just the current trilogy. NINE films. 40 years in the waiting. The Lord of the Rings got a 3 1/2 hour finale, 4 hours if you consider the extended version, so why the hell shouldn't a saga that's been going on for 40 years not get as big, if not bigger, send off?

    Now, I haven't written in 19 years so I'm a bit rusty and I'm my harshest critic. I hate my dialogue. I hate writing dialogue. My partners at work say its fine but, again, I criticize myself quite harshly.

    I split it into two parts because it was just too big to be a single film so I went the way of Twilight, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games. Funny thing is two years ago I told myself I'd be pissed if Disney did that. Two years later . . . . oops lol. Of course, the other reasoning behind the length is to make up for Episode VIII which really didn't add anything to the overall story, IMHO.

    So I'll shut up now and let you get to it if you so choose to do so. I hope you enjoy this "alternative" Episode IX. I wrote it for the fans.

    I wrote it for you.

    [​IMG]
     

    Attached Files:

    #1 SWSturm, Apr 7, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2018
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  2. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Jedi General

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    Only a quarter way through but man, this is EXCELLENT!
     
  3. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Thank you
     
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  4. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Jedi General

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    Dude!

    Your dialog was great. Absolutely one of your stronger points.

    Your use of characters was also great. Real quick -

    • Finn - perfect. That's the best possible direction to take him. Don't change a thing.
    • Hux - great. Surprising and unexpected, and touching.
    • Poe - "Still not gonna say it" was great! Not sure the mission was the best use of one of the few ranking officers left, though.
    • Knights of Ren - I thought Kylo relied a little too much on them. He is the very definition of a loner, so why give him the Knights? The lines he says to them could have been said to the Children or other subordinates.
    • Force ghosts - very well done.
    • Reylo - I was sad to see the sexual tension between them gone. TLJ ended with her trying to redeem him, trying to kill him, loving him, hating him, wanting him, wanting him dead... you get the picture. #itscomplicated. But all that sexual simmering that made TLJ so emotionally compelling is gone, replaced with unchanging loathing. A bit more temptation between the two of them - kinda blur the lines - before the final battle seems appropriate.
    • Rose - well done.
    • Watto - surprising! His inclusion felt unnecessary at first, but when his purpose became clear I realized Watto is the natural choice to do this.
    • Phasma - sorry, but she's already lost out to Finn in two other movies. There's no threat left in her.
    • Rey - her declaration at the end was, um, cheesy.
    • Chewie - good to see him do something on his own, not as a sidekick. His final act was very fitting.
    • Threepio and Artoo - very good dialog, but I'm uncomfortable with Threepio holding a weapon. It's just too out-of-character.

    The humor was a winner. I literally laughed out lout a few times. My wife was lying in bed next to me without her glasses on so she has no idea what I found so funny.

    Overall you did a helluva job. I would LOVE to see this movie! Thank you for letting me read it.
    --- Double Post Merged, Apr 8, 2018, Original Post Date: Apr 8, 2018 ---
    And you're from New Branfels? That's only half an hour away :)
     
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  5. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Thanks for the feedback! ;)

    On Threepio, yeah it was a toss-up between that and just bonking the guy over the head. He's growing as a character and about damn time, too.

    Rey = Her declaration was a bit cheesy but what's Star Wars without SOME cheese.

    Phasma = I absolutely hated how she's been wasted in the past two movies so I just wanted to see her go out big or as big as I could get her.

    Poe = I wish I had more for him to do. At one point I was going to --jokingly of course-- have him sit in a corner and just let the three strong female characters around him continue on.

    Knights of Ren = Due to no screen time in TLJ or even a mention in that "movie" I gave them a bigger appearance. Believe it or not, the Dathomir scene actually was Kylo all alone originally.

    Reylo = As a Paramedic for many years I cannot condone or support the glorifying of a abusive relationship. I've seen the real world results of such relationships far too many times, including having to pronounce someone dead, for me to be comfortable see this continue.
     
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  6. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Some metrics on the script

    [​IMG]
     
  7. FN-3263827

    FN-3263827 First Order CPS
    1030th General **** (Mod)

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    i have a question: what made you decide to:

    ...completely jettison Hux's canon backstory? it ends up being a major plot point in the 11th hour that comes right out of the blue.

    for a run time this would be a five-hour-long movie, by the way. that's mighty ambitious! : D
     
  8. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Not a ton of backstory was given in the Aftermath/Phasma books so I took the parts of his story that was given (that he was the illegitimate son of Brendol and a kitchen helper, that Brendol was abusive towards him, and that he had Phasma kill Brendol) and went from there. Yes, it does seem to come at the 11th hour but it was approaching the five hour mark and also wanted a surprise for the audience. I also found no way to put in how he was protected by Admiral Sloane against his father. I did the best I could.
     
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  9. Bandini

    Bandini Jedi Commander

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    I'll read that tomorrow at work :D
     
  10. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Jedi General

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    *Bump

    Seriously my fellow scum and villainy, read this script. It's really, really good.
     
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  11. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Thanks for that but I guess no one is reading it. :(
     
  12. daRinze

    daRinze Force Sensitive

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    Not read anything in this topic apart the OP.
    I downloaded the PDF.
    I currently am in page 8 and....

    THIS IS AWESOME.
    [​IMG]

    I cannot wait to reach the last page.
    I posted this as a flag, I'll be back when the reading is complete. See you soon.
     
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  13. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Wonderful! I hope you continue to enjoy this version of Episode IX.
     
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  14. daRinze

    daRinze Force Sensitive

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    Man.... the more I read, the more I wriggle and giggle on my seat.
    It's just... what would be the proper word? it's just supercalifragilisticexpialidocious :)
     
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  15. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Been away a long time. Amazed that this is still almost on top of the first page.
     
  16. Darth Wardawg

    Darth Wardawg Force Sensitive

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    About 1/2 way through this now and wow. This is good!
    --- Double Post Merged, Feb 6, 2019, Original Post Date: Feb 6, 2019 ---
    This is awesome! Seriously, I would definitely pay to see this film. Heck, I'd love to see a novelization of this. Bravo!!!!
     
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  17. atreides602

    atreides602 Rebelscum

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    Almost half way trough and daaaamn, this is awsome ; you prove one more time ( like that sw theory guy with his "Shards from the past" fanmovie ) that if you put your soul into something you can create something wonderfull . ( cough cough di$$ney).
    giphy.gif

    ps : your dialog is spot on !
    you needed a pilot.
    i needed a pilot . ..............just... perfect :rolleyes:
     
    #17 atreides602, Feb 15, 2019
    Last edited: Feb 15, 2019
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  18. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    Thanks, guys :D
     
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  19. Apollus08

    Apollus08 Rebelscum

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    I'm going to start reading this today!

    I'm writing a Star Wars script now. 50 pages in... almost half way.

    Where did you pull these metrics?
     
  20. SWSturm

    SWSturm Rebel Commander

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    The program I use, Writer's Duet, is able to produce them.
     
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