1. Notification emails are working properly again. Please check your email spam folder and if you see any emails from the Cantina there, make sure to mark them as "Not Spam". This will help a lot to whitelist the emails and to stop them going to spam.
    Dismiss Notice
  2. IMPORTANT! To be able to create new threads and rate posts, you need to have at least 30 posts in The Cantina.
    Dismiss Notice
  3. Before posting a new thread, check the list with similar threads that will appear when you start typing the thread's title.
    Dismiss Notice

(Fan Written) Episode IX: The Fallen Sons (Part I & II)

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by SWSturm, Apr 7, 2018.

  1. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    [​IMG]


    Hello Everybody!

    So as you can see by the thread title I had an interesting reaction to Episode VIII. Having not written a single word since the Spring of '99, a year before I fled Los Angeles, I found myself back in front of the keyboard. I'm not going to go on about why Episode VIII was such a disappointment, I think many of you already know why or at least have your own reasons why it failed to deliver not only as a Star Wars movie but as a movie in general. A good analogy would be that, as a Star Wars fan, having a new movie come out is like being on the Price is Right and being told you just won a new car and then finding out it's a Matchbox 2-inch collectible.

    Not exactly up to expectations.

    Anyhow, I digress. So I started on December 21st and finished just this past week. When I took up the task I had several things in mind:

    1. Dial it up to 11 from the first scene and don't let up. Blow the audience to the back of theater (the one in their mind, anyway, since this will only ever be on the page) and keep them there.

    2. Be true to the characters. Emotionally true, that is. Emotional truth is very important in writing. Not just is a character's story arc but in a characters emotions. For example: Steven Spielberg has said that if he were to make CEOT3K today, Roy would never get on the mothership at the end. Why? Because, now being a father and husband. Spielberg realizes that a good father/husband would never just up and abandon their family which is precisely what Roy does when he gets on the mothership. A Rogue One example is Jyn's mother who abandon's her only child to go on a crazy suicide mission to save her husband. It just doesn't ring true. Unless Disney is saying she's a bad mother. I mean, just because she buys her clothes at the Jedi Outlet store doesn't mean she has to be a bad mother.

    3. Stay away as best as possible from "Fan Fiction" moments. Another example from Rogue One. Jyn is walking around Jedha and who does she bump into? The two guys from the Mos Eisley cantina. They have no point in the story, the moment brings the story to a screeching halt for a few seconds, and it just sticks out as being pointless and nothing more than a wink to fans. Also, how in the world did they escape Jedha before it got blown to heck? There's nothing wrong with fan service if it doesn't hurt/slow down the story. I'll admit, there's a brief moment or two in my script but they don't interrupt the flow of the story and the characters appear where you'd expect them to be.

    4. Make it epic. This is the final film in the Skywalker saga. Not just the current trilogy. NINE films. 40 years in the waiting. The Lord of the Rings got a 3 1/2 hour finale, 4 hours if you consider the extended version, so why the hell shouldn't a saga that's been going on for 40 years not get as big, if not bigger, send off?

    Now, I haven't written in 19 years so I'm a bit rusty and I'm my harshest critic. I hate my dialogue. I hate writing dialogue. My partners at work say its fine but, again, I criticize myself quite harshly.

    I split it into two parts because it was just too big to be a single film so I went the way of Twilight, Harry Potter, and The Hunger Games. Funny thing is two years ago I told myself I'd be pissed if Disney did that. Two years later . . . . oops lol. Of course, the other reasoning behind the length is to make up for Episode VIII which really didn't add anything to the overall story, IMHO.

    So I'll shut up now and let you get to it if you so choose to do so. I hope you enjoy this "alternative" Episode IX. I wrote it for the fans.

    I wrote it for you.

    [​IMG]
     

    Attached Files:

    #1 SWSturm, Apr 7, 2018
    Last edited: Apr 7, 2018
    • Great Post Great Post x 3
    • Like Like x 2
    • Original Original x 1
  2. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Force Attuned

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2014
    Posts:
    607
    Likes Received:
    7,753
    Trophy Points:
    16,937
    Credits:
    17,638
    Ratings:
    +8,836 / 59 / -12
    Only a quarter way through but man, this is EXCELLENT!
     
  3. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Thank you
     
    • Like Like x 1
  4. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Force Attuned

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2014
    Posts:
    607
    Likes Received:
    7,753
    Trophy Points:
    16,937
    Credits:
    17,638
    Ratings:
    +8,836 / 59 / -12
    Dude!

    Your dialog was great. Absolutely one of your stronger points.

    Your use of characters was also great. Real quick -

    • Finn - perfect. That's the best possible direction to take him. Don't change a thing.
    • Hux - great. Surprising and unexpected, and touching.
    • Poe - "Still not gonna say it" was great! Not sure the mission was the best use of one of the few ranking officers left, though.
    • Knights of Ren - I thought Kylo relied a little too much on them. He is the very definition of a loner, so why give him the Knights? The lines he says to them could have been said to the Children or other subordinates.
    • Force ghosts - very well done.
    • Reylo - I was sad to see the sexual tension between them gone. TLJ ended with her trying to redeem him, trying to kill him, loving him, hating him, wanting him, wanting him dead... you get the picture. #itscomplicated. But all that sexual simmering that made TLJ so emotionally compelling is gone, replaced with unchanging loathing. A bit more temptation between the two of them - kinda blur the lines - before the final battle seems appropriate.
    • Rose - well done.
    • Watto - surprising! His inclusion felt unnecessary at first, but when his purpose became clear I realized Watto is the natural choice to do this.
    • Phasma - sorry, but she's already lost out to Finn in two other movies. There's no threat left in her.
    • Rey - her declaration at the end was, um, cheesy.
    • Chewie - good to see him do something on his own, not as a sidekick. His final act was very fitting.
    • Threepio and Artoo - very good dialog, but I'm uncomfortable with Threepio holding a weapon. It's just too out-of-character.

    The humor was a winner. I literally laughed out lout a few times. My wife was lying in bed next to me without her glasses on so she has no idea what I found so funny.

    Overall you did a helluva job. I would LOVE to see this movie! Thank you for letting me read it.
    --- Double Post Merged, Apr 8, 2018, Original Post Date: Apr 8, 2018 ---
    And you're from New Branfels? That's only half an hour away :)
     
  5. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Thanks for the feedback! ;)

    On Threepio, yeah it was a toss-up between that and just bonking the guy over the head. He's growing as a character and about damn time, too.

    Rey = Her declaration was a bit cheesy but what's Star Wars without SOME cheese.

    Phasma = I absolutely hated how she's been wasted in the past two movies so I just wanted to see her go out big or as big as I could get her.

    Poe = I wish I had more for him to do. At one point I was going to --jokingly of course-- have him sit in a corner and just let the three strong female characters around him continue on.

    Knights of Ren = Due to no screen time in TLJ or even a mention in that "movie" I gave them a bigger appearance. Believe it or not, the Dathomir scene actually was Kylo all alone originally.

    Reylo = As a Paramedic for many years I cannot condone or support the glorifying of a abusive relationship. I've seen the real world results of such relationships far too many times, including having to pronounce someone dead, for me to be comfortable see this continue.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  6. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Some metrics on the script

    [​IMG]
     
  7. FN-3263827

    FN-3263827 First Order, Then Pie
    1030th Commander *** (Mod)

    Joined:
    Jan 19, 2016
    Posts:
    9,187
    Likes Received:
    104,877
    Trophy Points:
    170,067
    Credits:
    53,508
    Ratings:
    +119,568 / 65 / -7
    i have a question: what made you decide to:

    ...completely jettison Hux's canon backstory? it ends up being a major plot point in the 11th hour that comes right out of the blue.

    for a run time this would be a five-hour-long movie, by the way. that's mighty ambitious! : D
     
  8. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Not a ton of backstory was given in the Aftermath/Phasma books so I took the parts of his story that was given (that he was the illegitimate son of Brendol and a kitchen helper, that Brendol was abusive towards him, and that he had Phasma kill Brendol) and went from there. Yes, it does seem to come at the 11th hour but it was approaching the five hour mark and also wanted a surprise for the audience. I also found no way to put in how he was protected by Admiral Sloane against his father. I did the best I could.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  9. Bandini

    Bandini Force Sensitive

    Joined:
    Sep 18, 2015
    Posts:
    4,465
    Likes Received:
    4,801
    Trophy Points:
    14,767
    Credits:
    7,881
    Ratings:
    +9,124 / 421 / -107
    I'll read that tomorrow at work :D
     
  10. Pobody's Nerfect

    Pobody's Nerfect Force Attuned

    Joined:
    Sep 7, 2014
    Posts:
    607
    Likes Received:
    7,753
    Trophy Points:
    16,937
    Credits:
    17,638
    Ratings:
    +8,836 / 59 / -12
    *Bump

    Seriously my fellow scum and villainy, read this script. It's really, really good.
     
  11. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Thanks for that but I guess no one is reading it. :(
     
  12. daRinze

    daRinze Rebel Official

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2015
    Posts:
    860
    Likes Received:
    1,262
    Trophy Points:
    5,592
    Credits:
    1,760
    Ratings:
    +2,176 / 23 / -9
    Not read anything in this topic apart the OP.
    I downloaded the PDF.
    I currently am in page 8 and....

    THIS IS AWESOME.
    [​IMG]

    I cannot wait to reach the last page.
    I posted this as a flag, I'll be back when the reading is complete. See you soon.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  13. SWSturm

    SWSturm Clone Trooper

    Joined:
    Mar 21, 2018
    Posts:
    45
    Likes Received:
    50
    Trophy Points:
    62
    Credits:
    155
    Ratings:
    +143 / 6 / -3
    Wonderful! I hope you continue to enjoy this version of Episode IX.
     
    • Like Like x 1
  14. daRinze

    daRinze Rebel Official

    Joined:
    Oct 28, 2015
    Posts:
    860
    Likes Received:
    1,262
    Trophy Points:
    5,592
    Credits:
    1,760
    Ratings:
    +2,176 / 23 / -9
    Man.... the more I read, the more I wriggle and giggle on my seat.
    It's just... what would be the proper word? it's just supercalifragilisticexpialidocious :)
     
    • Like Like x 1
Loading...

Share This Page