HUMOR Sing this to the tune of "Alexander Hamilton"

"SENATOR SHEEV PALPATINE"

Spoiler

Lights up on Maz Kanata, our narrator, dead-center on the main stage.

Spoiler

MAZ KANATA:
How does a trade route tax dispute prelude
on planet Naboo produce somehow an astute and shrewd ruler
benevolent, malevolent, soon looming, all-consuming like a tumor
determined to turn liberty to rumor?

A robed Jedi enters-- Qui-Gon Jinn, aged 48.

QUI-GON JINN:
This patrician politician's whole disposition
by his own admission was driven by ambition.
By avoiding suspicion,
by sowing sedition,
Darth Sidious would prove to be a skillful tactician.

A second robed Jedi joins him-- Obi-Wan Kenobi, aged 25.

OBI-WAN KENOBI:
And every day he studied and learned the Sith Way unafraid.
Along the way, he kept quiet and would lie in wait.
That is, 'til his master would show him the secrets he'd crave.
The man was now ready to stray, betray and slay.

QUI-GON:
Opportunity came and Darth Sidious was seizin’,
alignin’ with Neimoidians who plotted out their treason,
blockadin’ his home planet 'til the Senate was appeasin’.
A strategy in reason, but our man he was deceivin’.

MAZ:
Well, the Senate was alarmed. They said, “This needs our attention,”
and sent a pair of Jedi to Naboo, an intervention.
Our man would gain some sympathy, his colleagues did exclaim that
"We all wanna know your name! What’s your name, man?”

Enter kindly, unassuming Senator Sheev Palpatine, aged 52. The others part and allow him the space to move forward cautiously.

SENATOR SHEEV PALPATINE:
Senator Sheev Palpatine.
My name is Senator Sheev Palpatine.
And there's a million schemes you haven't seen,
but just you wait, just you wait!

Next, 14-year-old Queen Padme Amidala enters from the opposite side of the stage, her entourage of handmaidens and security detail in tow.

QUEEN PADME AMIDALA:
If you'll permit, the Jedi split in transit, well hidden.
Two days later, see Obi-Wan and Qui-Gon Jinn riddin’
Battle droids, unbidden, invasion now a given.

FULL COMPANY (EXCEPT PALPATINE) (whispering):
Neimoidians were following the Senator's biddin’.

MAZ:
Behind the scenes, the Queen and the Jedi
would leave Naboo behind.
Neimoidians high and dry,
their treaty remained unsigned.
The Queen said:

MAZ AND COMPANY:
“The Senate has to hear me remind..."

MAZ:
"...just how the peaceful planet of Naboo
became so maligned!"

A beleaguered Chancellor Finis Valorum enters with a group of Senators and Representatives, all apparent supporters.

PADME:
There would have been nothing left to do
for one of less repute
but Palpatine was more acute
at forming plans for execution
and pursuing, rooting out false rumors on Valorum.
The Chancellor he could replace
would face a Senate quorum.

PADME AND COMPANY:
Scamming...

PADME:
...for ev'ry last vote that they could hand him.

PADME AND COMPANY:
Planning...

PADME:
...for the future, Palpatine understanding...

COMPANY, overlapping:
Ooohh.

PADME:
...the Chancellorship's heading for a new man.
On Naboo, you can form a new plan.

One by one, members of Valorum's entourage peel away and join with Palpatine until Valorum is left isolated, alone. He sighs and slumps in his high-backed chair, resigned to his fate.

COMPANY:
On Naboo, you can form a new plan.

PALPATINE, onverlapping:
Just you wait.

COMPANY:
On Naboo, you can form a new plan.

PALPATINE, onverlapping:
Just you wait.

COMPANY:
On Naboo, you can form a new plan.

WOMEN:
On Naboo!

MEN:
Naboo!

PALPATINE:
Just you wait!

Palpatine and his throng of new supporters exit.

FEMALE COMPANY:
Senator Sheev Palpatine.

MALE COMPANY, delayed:
Senator Sheev Palpatine.

FEMALE COMPANY:
We are waiting in the wings for you.

MALE COMPANY, delayed:
Waiting in the wings for you.

FEMALE COMPANY:
You could never back down.

FULL COMPANY:
You learned well how to take your
time!
Oh!

FEMALE COMPANY:
Chancellor Sheev Palpatine...

MALE COMPANY, delayed:
Chancellor Sheev Palpatine...

FULL COMPANY:
...when the galaxy reaps its due...

MALE COMPANY:
Will they ever be glad you came?
Will they know how you...

FULL COMPANY:
...broke the game?
Nothing will ever be the same, oh!

A mysterious, robed figure now appears on stage, face hidden in the shadows of his hood: Darth Sidious.

DARTH SIDIOUS:
The Queen and those two Jedi now,
they're going home to liberate.

MEN, overlapping:
Just you wait.

Darth Maul demonic, horned, with red and black face tattoos, leaps onto the stage, pure menace with his double-sided lightsaber.

DARTH SIDIOUS:
An unexpected move,
I'll have Darth Maul eliminate.

COMPANY, overlapping:
Just you wait.

DARTH SIDIOUS:
With forces all converging,
how a war we must anticipate.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan shift to one side of the stage.

OBI-WAN, QUI-GON:
We fought for him.

Maul responds from the other side of the stage, now joined by the distinguished 70-year-old Count Dooku in his caped outfit.

COUNT DOOKU, DARTH MAUL:
Me?
I died for him!

Neimoidian Viceroy Nute Gunray joins Maul and Dooku.

NUTE GUNRAY:
Me?
I trusted him!

Padme and Anakin Skywalker, aged 9, stand near the Jedi.

PADME:
Me?
I opposed him.

Anakin leaves Padme, stepping forward to Palpatine’s side. Darth Vader enters from the wings and stands behind Anakin, resting his black-gloved hands on the boy’s shoulders.

ANAKIN SKYWALKER:
And me?
I'm the damn fool who served him.

COMPANY:
There's a million schemes you haven't seen,
but just you wait!

MAZ:
What's your name, man?

COMPANY:
Supreme Chancellor Palpatine!

The song concludes with a punch to underscore the point.

 

^ Oops, at the end, that should say "The song concludes with a punch to underscore the point." Too late to edit now!

 

@Use the Falchion, you ain't seen nothin' yet!

 

@Lukestarbucker, I've rewritten maybe 80-85% of Hamilton to retell the Skywalker saga. Right now I've reached the ST era and TLJ.

 

And you get a medal, @Stormagadon! Grazie!

--- Double Post Merged, Apr 30, 2021, Original Post Date: Apr 30, 2021 ---

Spoiler

"QUI-GON JINN, SIR"

The lights change as all but Qui-Gon Jinn depart the stage. A drumbeat kicks off the next musical number
set in Naboo’s swamps, forests and its capital city, Theed.

FULL COMPANY (EXCEPT QUI-GON):
Let's jump to an earlier scene:
Naboo's capital, Theed.

Near the outskirts of a swamp, Jar Jar Binks, a lanky Gungan, approaches Qui-Gon and hugs him!

JAR JAR BINKS:
Ex-squeeze me!
Yousa Jedi Master, sir?

QUI-GON:
That depends.
Who’s asking?

JAR JAR:
Oh, sure, sir.
Meesa Jar Jar Binks, yousa servant, sir.
A live debett to you.

QUI-GON:
I’m getting nervous.

JAR JAR:
Sir! Meesa day was okeyday,
eating a morning munchen
when invasion started happening.
BOOM, my got so scared,
yousa Jedi my a-grabbening.
Meesa may-a jumped youse.
Dissa blur, sir.
Meesa tought dis a blockade?

QUI-GON:
That was a precursor.

Obi-Wan Kenobi catches up with them, out of breath from running.

JAR JAR:
Okeday!

OBI-WAN:
Master, I did as you did--we stowed
aboard separate ships and then regrouped.

Obi-Wan looks disdainfully at Jar Jar.

JAR JAR, insulted:
He look at me like my stupid!
My not stupid!

OBI-WAN, to Qui-Gon:
So, how’d you do it?
How’d you get down here so fast?

They start to run towards the Theed Royal Palace.

QUI-GON:
I simply didn’t wait for the droid army to pass.

JAR JAR:
Yousa smarty!
Of course! Meesa yours!
Ye Gods, meesa wanten war!
Den I proven my worth more
den anyone could bargain for.

QUI-GON, getting a headache:
I need some time to think.

JAR JAR:
Tinken would be nice.

The trio comes to an abrupt stop.

QUI-GON:
While we’re stopping, let us offer you some free advice:
Talk less.

JAR JAR:
Wat?

OBI-WAN:
Not more.

JAR JAR:
Ha.

QUI-GON:
Don’t let us know what you’re against or what you’re for.

JAR JAR:
Yousa can't be serious.

QUI-GON:
You wanna stay alive?

JAR JAR:
Yah.

The trio peers inside the hangar bay, and we see the Queen's starship at the ready. Enter Queen Amidala, handmaidens, Artoo-Deetoo, Captain Panaka and Ric Olié, guarded by Battle droids and accompanied by Neimoidians Nute Gunray, Rune Haako and Daultay Dofine.

QUI-GON:
Fools who run their mouths off don't survive—

GUNRAY:
Uh, yo, yo, yo-yo, yo!
What time is it?

DAULTY DOFINE, RUNE HAAKO:
War time!

QUI-GON:
—like those guys.

GUNRAY:
War time! War time! Yo!
I’m Nute Gunray, in ya face I go,
and our Trade Federation's gonna shut you down, bro.
Uh! Those Jedi don’t want it with me
'cause I could pop chick-a pop those cops with my fleet!

The other Neimoidians let out a cheer!

PADME:
Hey, hey, I'm Padme, the one that you just met,
the Queen on the board of this galactic chess set.
My wardrobe looks bizarre, but I come with savoir
and I bring an entourage 'cause I will travel like a rock star.

Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan make quick work of the Battle droids...

OBI-WAN:
Brrrah brraaah! So my first name is Obi-Wan.
I'm Qui-Gon Jinn's Padawan, and thereupon I am gone.

GUNRAY:
Ayyyyy!

OBI-WAN, gesturing to himself:
Taught up this student, of course, with the Force
in accordance, an endorsement I based on performance.

...freeing the Queen and her group as the Neimoidians make a hasty exit.

QUI-GON:
Wow!

We see Trade Federation battleships in orbit around the planet.

PADME:
No more talking with battleships a-gunning.
Let’s board my starship—

CAPTAIN PANAKA, RIC OLIÉ:
—and do some blockade running!

The Queen’s starship quickly sustains damage as it slips past the blockade. A quick WIPE to the Tatooine desert. Enter Watto as Panaka, Olié, Battle droids and the handmaidens all exit.

QUI-GON:
Well, if it ain’t the junk dealer from Toydaria!

WATTO:
Call me Watto!

QUI-GON:
Spit out your motto, sing us an aria!

WATTO:
Good luck with that, you fixing your ship.
You spit, I'mma split with parts as I quip.

PADME, JAR JAR:
Boooo!

QUI-GON, suddenly alert:
Hmm, I sense something.
A vergence in the Force I am feeling.

Enter nine-year-old Anakin Skywalker and the partially-completed protocol droid, See-Threepio.

ANAKIN:
If you sell them nothing, Watto, then what are you dealing?

 

One more "preview." This is song #3, which follows seamlessly after Anakin's introduction at the end of song #2

TEMPORARILY REMOVED - the formatting got all goofed up. Will repost momentarily...

 

Okay, let's try this again...

Spoiler

"MY SHOT"

Musical intro builds in intensity.

PADME, QUI-GON, JAR JAR:
Ooh!

PADME:
Who are you?

QUI-GON:
Who are you?

JAR-JAR:
Whosa you?

PADME, QUI-GON (JAR-JAR):
Ooh, who is this kid? (Ooh, whosa dis kid?)
What’s he gonna do? (Wass he gon’ do?)

Qui-Gon sticks a needle into Anakin’s arm, then retracts the needle.

ANAKIN, rubbing his sore arm:
I am not throwing away my shot.
I am not throwing away my shot.

He shows Anakin the test results.

Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot.
I'mma get a sponsor with some Jedi knowledge.
I prob'ly shouldn't brag, but dag, I amaze and astonish.
The problem is, I tend to wreck a lotta dreck and demolish.
Watto gotta holler just to be heard.
‘cause I’m undeterred and unpolished.
My midichlorians are high, a sign that must imply
I'll become a new Jedi. You can't keep me from reaching.
Only nine years, but my mind is older.
With every passing day, I get bolder. I smolder
every contest, every challenge
that I have learned to manage,
so my style will be outlandish
when a laser sword I brandish.
The plan is to overcome, and that's my aim.
But dang, it's complex, so let me spell out my name.
I am the—

PADME, ANAKIN, JAR JAR, QUI-GON:
A-N-
A-K-
I-N "twee,"
maker
of my
destiny.

Anakin boards his podracer.

ANAKIN:
I'll have a Jedi father figure training me
though I was living with my mother in slavery.
But I had to win my freedom first, naturally
in a pod race that was held on Boonta Eve.

Anakin wins the race! A victory celebration!

My winnings went to Watto for the parts they need
to fix their broken starship instantly.
Enter Shmi!

Shmi Skywalker enters, kneels by her son and hugs him.

JAR JAR, PADME, QUI-GON:
(He says in parentheses.)

ANAKIN:
Don't be shocked if I return as a Jedi, see.
I will lay down my life if it sets you free, eventually.
You have your son's guarantee.

Anakin departs with Qui-Gon as Shmi waves goodbye.

ANAKIN (QUI-GON):
And I am not throwing away my shot. (My shot!)
I am not throwing away my shot. (My shot!)

The Queen’s starship travels through space...

Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot (And I'm not throwing away my shot.)

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, PADME, QUI-GON:
I am not throwing away my shot.
I am not throwing away my shot.

...and arrives on Coruscant.

Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot.
It's time to take a shot.

The Jedi Temple at sunset. Qui-Gon, Anakin and Obi-Wan before the Jedi Council—Yoda and Mace Windu among them. They appear to be testing him. Yoda and Mace shake their heads no.

QUI-GON:
We arrived at Coruscant on our odyssey.
I presented Anakin as though from prophecy.
The Jedi Council tested him but couldn’t see.
They felt his anger clouding up his destiny.
Denied him his—

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, PADME:
—shot!

Theed Palace on Naboo. Suddenly, Darth Maul leaps into action against Qui-Gon and Obi-Wan while Anakin takes cover. They fight furiously until Qui-Gon falls to Maul’s attack.

OBI-WAN:
Yo, we fought a phantom Sith menace.
On Naboo, there’s a dark lord who stood up against us.
Our clash of lightsabers was tremendous, contentious.
But then my master fell to this horrendous apprentice.
So I took my—

Obi-Wan slashes at Maul and defeats him.

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, PADME:
—shot!

Meanwhile, Jar Jar Binks and Queen Amidala meet the Gungans and their leader, Boss Nass, at the Gungan sacred place. Jar Jar stands between them.

PADME:
But we could never be truly freed
until we drove Neimoidians from the city of Theed.
So Jar Jar brought us Gungan help, and we believed
that together we'd achieve a major victory.
We had to take that—

Padme and Boss Nass raise a reluctant Jar Jar’s arms up in victory.

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN:
—shot!

JAR JAR:
Geniuses, meesa doen some grand
by bring Naboo 'n’ Gungan all together to stand.

Jar Jar pulls his arms away.

But meesa tinken, dissen situation has taught,
if my wanna live, fighting battles meesa boycott.
If-a not, meesa get shot!

ANAKIN:
Hey, it wasn't for naught!
Master Qui-Gon Jinn, fallen but won't be forgot.
I think the Queen is hot.

Anakin hands her a gift, a necklace with a carving he made from a japor snippet.

OBI-WAN, disapprovingly:
The Jedi Way, that’s not.

Padme slips the necklace on anyway.

ANAKIN:
But I'm the Chosen One of prophecy advancing the plot.
What are the odds our cause would put us all in one spot?
Dropped a bomb on Jedi Council wisdom, like it or not.
My newfound substitutionary fam'ly-on-a-mission dissidents?
Give me pole position, show me where the starting grid is!

We hear a WHOOSH in the music as suddenly the characters on stage freeze. Anakin's internal monologue.

Oh, am I talking too loud?
Sometimes I get overexcited, shoot off at the mouth.
I never had a group of friends before.
I promise that I'll make y'all proud.

Obi-Wan stands atop a pile of shattered Battle droids and points at Anakin.

OBI-WAN:
I'll train you, kid.
I give you my vow!

The music resumes, the cast unfreezes.

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN, PADME, ENSEMBLE:
I am not throwing away my shot.
I am not throwing away my shot.
Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot.

I am not throwing away my shot
I am not throwing away my shot
Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot.

OBI-WAN (ANAKIN, JAR JAR, PADME):
Ev'rybody sing
Whoa, whoa, whoa-oh-oh! (Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-oh-oh!)
Hey!
Whoa-oh-oh! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
Wooh!
Whoa-oh-oh! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
Ay, let 'em hear ya! (Yeah!)
Let's go!

OBI-WAN (COMPANY):
(Whoa! Whoa! Whoa-oh-oh!)
I said shout it to the rooftops!
(Whoa-oh-oh!)
Said to the rooftops! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
Oh, come on! (Yeah!)
Come on, let's go!

Rise up.
When you're driven to your knees, you rise up.
When your master falls, you've gotta rise up.
Tell the council that they've gotta wise up.

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN, PADME (COMPANY):
When you see tyranny,
you rise up! (Whoa! Whoa!)
When you see tyranny, you rise up! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
When you see tyranny, you rise up! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
When you see tyranny, you rise up! (Whoa-oh-oh!)
Rise up! (Rise up!)

ANAKIN:
I imagined being free so much, it's more like a memory.
Is this where it gets me?
On Naboo, with Obi-Wan abetting me?
And my future, do I run or do I let it be?
Obi-Wan is cheering me, or does he sense the fear in me?
See, I never thought I'd get off-planet.
Qui-Gon gave me hope then was killed, Goddamnit.
Anybody ask why I’m feeling aghast, an outcast with hopes dashed?
Make this moment pass quickly!
Scratch that, this is not a moment for imprudence.
It’s for an industrious wonder with something to prove, then.
Foes oppose us, and how the battle lines are drawn!
Obi proposing he train his brother Padawan.
And? So I won my independence.
That’s no guarantee my mom will gain her own transcendence.
But I fear the blood I'll shed begins an endless
cycle of vengeance and death that's just relentless.

A battle montage ensues, with Gungans, Fambaas and Kaddu versus Battle droids, Droidekas and AATs on the plains of Naboo. In orbit, Naboo Royal N-1 starfighters engage the Trade Federation battleship and a swarm of Vulture droids in fierce aerial combat.

I know the action on Naboo was just booming.
But man, after all that bombing 'n’ zooming,
I've been calm and improving.
We need to rectify this Sith lord situation.
For the sake of the Jedi, have we all been mistaken?

Anakin boards a Naboo starfighter with Artoo-Deetoo.

I'm past patient debate and dispassionately waiting!
Every action’s an act that I’ll be contemplating!
I'm steadfast in the face of sadness and sorrow.
For the first time, I'm thinking past tomorrow!

The fighter takes off and joins the aerial battle!

ANAKIN, COMPANY:
And I am not throwing away my shot.
I am not throwing away my shot.
Hey yo, I'm just, like, resourceful,
I'm uncanny and Force-full,
and I'm not throwing away my shot.

Artoo screams as Anakin’s ship is hit! Their fighter careens its way into the battleship’s hangar, landing near the reactor room.

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN, PADME (ENSEMBLE):
We're gonna rise up! (Not throwing away)
Time to take a shot! (My shot.)
We're gonna rise up! (Not throwing away)
Time to take a shot! (My shot.)
We're gonna— (We're gonna)
(Rise up!)
(Rise up!)

ANAKIN:
It’s time to take a shot!

Anakin takes his shot at the reactor.

ENSEMBLE:
Rise up!
Rise up!

ANAKIN:
It’s time to take a shot!

ENSEMBLE:
Rise up!
Rise up!

ANAKIN (ENSEMBLE):
Shot! (Ri— ri— ri—)
Shot!
A-yo it's—
Time to take a shot! (Time to take a shot!)
Time to take a shot! (Time to take a shot!)
And I am— (And I am—)

The Trade Federation battleship explodes from the inside out!

ANAKIN, JAR JAR, OBI-WAN, PADME:
—not throwing away my—

FULL COMPANY:
—not throwing away my shot!

Anakin’s starfighter reemerges triumphantly from the battleship’s hangar just as the massive ship is engulfed in flames!