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HUMOR Sing this to the tune of "Cabinet Battle #1" from HAMILTON

Discussion in 'Fan Fiction' started by bferr1972, Sep 14, 2021.

  1. bferr1972

    bferr1972 Force Attuned

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    "COUNCIL BATTLE #1"
    (another excerpt from my play, Star Wars: The Hamilton Saga,
    where the first-ever meeting between Kylo Ren, Hux and Captain Phasma is imagined)

    - expand the spoiler tag to display lyrics -


    SNOKE:
    Ladies and gentlemen, you could’ve been anywhere in the galaxy tonight, but you’re here with us onboard the Supremacy. Are you ready for a First Order Council meeting?

    The company cheers.


    The issues on the table: General Leia Organa has formed a so-called Resistance, and Jedi Master Luke Skywalker has reportedly disappeared. General Hux, you have the floor, sir.

    HUX:
    “Stability and order will promote our progress.
    Rule of law we be restored after years of regress.”
    These are Ren’s words, they are wise and surprising,
    but we can’t believe he’ll lead our uprising.

    PHASMA:
    Oww!

    HUX:
    Lest anyone forget
    Ren has deep connections to some New Republic vets.
    Now, place your bets on how stable he can get
    when his commitment to our cause is one he laments.

    KYLO:
    Not true!

    HUX:
    Ooh, if the Sith fits, wear it.
    If your soul’s in conflict, why should we hear it?
    Uh, our choice is made, I’m afraid.
    Don’t hex at Hux ‘cause my brigades will surely persuade.
    In the First Order, we plant boots on the ground.
    We invade. You just pound around and think you’re profound.
    Organa’s Resistance? We’ll cease its existence.
    Skywalker’s finished, his Order’s desistance— good riddance!
    Stand with me, not his fam’ly tree,
    and pray we never see Ren’s ascendancy.
    Look, you might support him until you discover
    that Luke and Leia are his uncle and his mother.

    The company gasps.

    SNOKE:
    Thank you, General Hux!
    Master Kylo Ren, your response.

    KYLO:
    Wow, Hux, that was one flawed presentation.
    You’ve recycled stale news without variation.
    Have you heard the latest, you petty instigator?

    Points to himself and seems to be bragging.

    I’m a Luke and Leia hater who’s related to Lord Vader!
    One assumes that gets renewed respect,
    some overdue merit, not familial discredit.
    How do you not get it? I can imagine my advantage
    fanning further fam’ly damage. You think I’d hand ‘em a bandage?
    A “leadership” lesson from a knave, how brave!
    Your brigades “persuade” ‘cause they’re born then enslaved!
    “We plant boots on the ground. We invade.”
    Yeah, keep ranting. We know I’m the one who’s really commanding.
    And another thing, Mr. “Air of Entitlement,”
    don’t lecture me about war; you’re fairly nonviolent.
    You think I’m frightened of you, man?
    I’m a Knight, the new Master of Ren!
    And, unlike you, those are real dangerous men.
    Hux as a genital—‘scuse me, I meant Gen’ral,
    an appointment that’s untenable and sure to be ephemeral.
    Phasma as a Captain is an actual miasma, a disaster!
    Blast! You’re both outclassed, so meet your new master!

    RECORD SCRATCH ON A TURNTABLE.

    Sitting there scabbing like two lesions.
    Hey, turn around, bend over, I’ll Sith you in the Unknown Regions.

    Ren prominently displays his lightsaber hilt. Insulted, Phasma and Hux quickly bolt out of their chairs. Snoke intervenes.

    SNOKE:
    Excuse me!
    Phasma, Hux, take a walk!
    Ren, take a walk!
    We’re going to reconvene after a brief recess.
    Kylo Ren?

    KYLO:
    Sir?

    SNOKE:
    A word.

    PHASMA:
    You’re no Darth Vader.

    HUX, PHASMA:
    You’re no Darth Vader!

    HUX:
    Aha-ha-ha ha!

    HUX, PHASMA:
    You never got parental approval,
    you wannabe Darth Vader!

    HUX:
    Such a blunder sometimes, this boy wonder torn asunder.

    PHASMA:
    This boy wonder torn asunder.

    Kylo ignites his unstable red lightsaber, creating tension in the room. Hux and Phasma quickly head for the exit.

    SNOKE:
    You wanna pull yourself together?

    KYLO:
    I’m not sorry for matching wits, measure for measure.

    SNOKE:
    Young man, they’re needed in command,
    so watch your words.

    Ren deactivates his lightsaber and puts the hilt away.

    KYLO:
    That those two ever got this far is kinda absurd.

    SNOKE:
    You need their trust.

    KYLO, overlapping:
    No, I need bold moves.
    You’ll see, I’ll adjust.

    SNOKE, pointing in Hux and Phasma’s direction:
    Your fam’ly’s an obstacle, like they discussed.

    KYLO:
    My position’s unique, one would think, just for starters.

    SNOKE:
    Ah, your words flow easy, young man, actions are harder.

    KYLO:
    My fam’ly’s a real quand’ry.

    SNOKE:
    Not if they’re lying horizontally.

    KYLO:
    My father’s next, I left Luke for dead.

    SNOKE, nodding in Hux and Phasma’s direction:
    They don’t want your words, they just want Luke’s head!

    KYLO:
    You think I care for their approval?

    SNOKE, nods:
    They could call for your permanent removal.

    KYLO:
    Sir—

    SNOKE:
    I sense you feel you’ve been brought low,
    so you’d best figure it out, young Ben Solo.

    Hamilton soundtrack version with vocals:


    Hamilton instrumental version:
     
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