OFFICIAL NEWS Star Wars: The Fallen Knights

Alamact · Nov 24, 2018

Welcome to the Old Republic Paint Adventures Archive. In this thread, you can read through the comic's panels that have been archived thus far. It is an on-going project and will be updated whenever I have the time.

This convoluted layout confuses me. How does one use The Archive™?
Like the comic itself, The Archive™ prides itself in its convoluted and torturous structure. To browse through The Archive™, simply use the helpful links below to whisk yourself away to the Chapter where you previously left off.

In the Chapter's master post, you will be presented with an identical set of links - each leading to a particular part of that Chapter. Yes, it's a glorified checkpoint system. The panels themselves are hidden away underneath golden spoiler buttons. To open a post, just click on the button - this was done to ease the load of the page. We wouldn't want to burden your browser and leech off your precious mobile data, now would we?

Now that we've explained all that away, you are ready to begin your exploration through The Archive™. Have fun and enjoy reading through our adventures in The Fallen Knights!

Act One: The Fallen Knights
Prologue - Jedi Dropout Extraordinaire
Chapter 1 - Barge of Pleasure

Alamact · Nov 24, 2018

Prologue: Jedi Dropout Extraordinaire
Part 1 - ASC Blueballs
Part 2 - ASC Blueballs

You find yourself on-board a FANCY PASSENGER SHIP. Having recently quit your TEDIOUS JEDI TRAINING, you've decided to go to Nar Shaddaa for several nights of DRINKING BOOZE in SHADY CANTINAS and PICKING UP ALIEN CHICKS. That's right! No more CELIBACY for THIS Jedi! You are going to MAKE THE ORDER GREAT AGAIN. After all, what kind of sane woman would refuse the UNDENIABLE CHARM of your GRUMPY SMILE.

But before you begin your search for THE ULTIMATE CANTINA, there are more immediate matters to attend to, seeing as you've yet to arrive in Hutt Space. Namely the fact that you've NOT introduced your AWESOME self to the passengers and the crew.

What is your name?

You are now DOOP SKYCHAFER, the finest JEDI DROPOUT this side of the galaxy. A LARGE TEXT appears above you to notify the crew about this ASTOUNDING REVELATION... but no one seems to care. Nonetheless, their INDIFFERENCE surely won't DETER your DETERMINATION. You are DOOP SKYCHAFER and you are determined to SMILE in DEFIANCE!

On second thought, maybe you shouldn't smile. Ever again.

What color is your lightsaber?

Your lightsaber is now YELLOW. It could have been some awesome color like MAUVE or PUCE, but alas, it's as if SOME HIGHER FORCE was lazy enough to not give you a better color. Such are the WOES of PADAWAN LIFE.

Your JEDI SHENANIGANS have AGITATED the fancy bounders of this fine vessel.

What do you do?

You try to defuse the situation with your BRILLIANT IDEA as you raise your hand confidently in the air, declaring that DRINKS are on YOU! Nothing could possibly go wrong with your PLAN. Right? RIGHT?

You are now in the SHIP'S "BLUE LAGOON" CANTINA. The BOOZE is STRONG with you, young SKYCHAFER, but you are not a drunkard yet. On the other hand, the SENATOR of DANTOOINE lying there on the floor cannot make the same claim.

With an ABSOLUTELY SOBER mind you get another WONDERFUL IDEA.

You start BREAKING it DOWN! After all, your MASTERY of the FORCE is INSIGNIFICANT next to the powers of your DANCE MOVES.

You stumble your way towards the CHISS ENSIGN to the best of your abilities. After all, DOOP likes WOMEN in UNIFORM... so long as they're not a TWI'LEK.

She hands you what looks like her NUMBER! No wait... it's the BILL. Through your DRUNKEN STUPOR you suddenly remember that you PROMISED to PAY for ALL this. You knew CHISS WOMEN were known for their COLD DEMEANOR, but this is some NEXT-LEVEL STUFF.

You realize you don't have that kind of money and you're TOO DRUNK to FIGHT. Foolproof plan, indeed!

You are now in the DETENTION WARD of the CHISS ASCENDANCY CRUISER "Blueballs", but at least you are sober. You no longer have your LIGHTSABER with you and BENEDUCT CUMBERCHISS is monitoring your cell. On the upside, it seems you have a SPECIAL PRISON FRIEND next to you, a WEIRD-LOOKING CREATURE from an UNCHARTED PLANET.

What do you do?

You attempt to use your JEDI POWERS on the crate next to you to hit the SHUTDOWN SWITCH.

Your aim leaves a lot to be desired. However, you do manage to hit the LITERAL KILL SWITCH and your SPECIAL PRISON FRIEND dies a GRUESOME, ELECTRIFYING death as a results of your actions.

You rid the galaxy of a PHANTOM MENACE, earning you ONE BLUE POINT. BLUE POINTS are earned on actions of GENEROSITY and GOODWILL. You realize you forgot to TURN OFF the TUTORIAL for this series.

Your physical efforts have caused STRESS on your already stressed STOMACH. Unable to WITHSTAND the BITING ACID churning in your PITIFUL BELLY, you are forced to EXPEL what was once FINE CORELLIAN ALE onto the bottom of your cell. Luckily for you, not even the FORCE FIELD itself can handle TOXICITY of SUCH A LEVEL. Unluckily for you, BENEVOLENT CHISSDISPATCH draws a GUN on you!

What do you do?

In the face of utter panic, you fake a GRAND MAL SEIZURE. BENADRYL COTTONCHISS is POSITIVELY DISTURBED and FIRES AWAY from his pistol!

You lose 1 HP. Maybe you should have thought this through.

You have a swift change of plans as you ACTIVATE your latent FARCE POWERS of PERSUASION. You offer to BRIBE BUMBLESHACK WAFFLECHISS with some CREDITS. He CALLS BOLLOCKS on you and YOUR DEAL, seeing as how you don't have any credits to BARGAIN WITH!

You UP your GAME, OFFERING UP your SHIP and a GORGEOUS TWI'LEK FOUND INSIDE for just a MEAGER SUM of 500 CREDITS. BENJAMIN CHISSWORTHATCH is STUNNED.

He takes you up on your OFFER and you now gain +500 CREDITS.

The Chiss leaves the detention ward as you REGAIN your FREEDOM at last! The FUNNY THING is... YOU DON'T EVEN HAVE A SHIP. Your TOYDARIAN UNCLE would be PROUD.

IT LOOKS LIKE THE CHISS...

...HAS JUST BEEN DOOPED.

You have reclaimed your PRECIOUS LIGHTSABER and the TIME has COME for you to LEAVE this SHIP. To the LEFT is a WALKWAY to the ESCAPE PODS, to the RIGHT is a CORRIDOR leading back to GRAND ADMIRAL SNOTE.

Where do you go?

Alamact · Nov 29, 2018

Prologue: Jedi Dropout Extraordinaire
Click here to go back to the Chapter's master post.

Doop needs no FANCY COIN TOSS to make his decisions for him! Doop will not be ruled by SOME FICTIVE CONCEPT of LUCK! A JEDI knows there is NO SUCH THING. Apparently, it's also a SMUGGLER-ONLY ABILITY.

You march GALLANTLY on the RIGHT PATH, PREPARED to CONFRONT your NEMESIS, NO MATTER THE CONSEQUENCES. TOYDARIANS aren't INTERESTED in CONSEQUENCES! Only MONEY... which the Chiss owe you in CLEAR ABUNDANCE for all the TROUBLES you've ENDURED.

The good news is, YOU'VE ARRIVED in HUTT SPACE. The bad news is, you'll have to FIGHT YOUR WAY THROUGH. This is it. The moment you've been waiting for, your CONFRONTATION with GRAND ADMIRAL SNOTE and his HUMONGOUS SNOUT. This is...

You have GAINED A LEVEL! That means you have EARNED ENOUGH EXPERIENCE. You STILL have NO IDEA how to TURN OFF the DAMN TUTORIAL, but AT LEAST your POWERS have GROWN and you have SOMEONE to notify you of this.

You are now a LEVEL 2 JEDI KNIGHT. Choose ONE ATTRIBUTE point to SPEND on ANY of the SEVEN CATEGORIES.

You think OUT OF THE CONSOLE BOX, netting you two ADDITIONAL POINTS at the expense of some DIGNITY. You decide to spend one point on FARCE POWERS and two points on BOOZE.

You should now have a GREATER RESISTANCE to BOOZE. No CORELLIAN ALE will ever defeat your sobriety again! If only you actually payed attention in MASTER OBEER PINT'S CLASSES back in the JEDI ACADEMY.

With your NEWFOUND POWERS COMBINED, you BLOW AWAY the COMPETITION... LITERALLY! SNOTE pulls a gun on you. THE GAME IS ON.

You draw your LIGHTSABER to FACE YOUR OPPONENT, because you realize the CHISS ASCENDANCY actually makes some PISS-POOR GUNS. Grand Admiral Snote AGREES.

Well, DAMN! SNOTE MEANS BUSINESS. It seems he's been a SUPER SECRET SITH LORD ALL THIS TIME!

What do you do?

In the MIDST of a HEATED DUEL, you APPROACH the WANTED POSTER most ANTICLIMACTICALLY in SEARCH for INSPIRATION.

You GAZE upon the face of the WANTED MAN. What would this DASHING SCOUNDREL do in YOUR PLACE? The ANSWER to that question dawns upon you ALMOST INSTANTANEOUSLY.

You PROCEED to STRATEGICALLY ADVANCE IN THE OPPOSITE DIRECTION. In LAYMAN'S TERMS...

...YOU ARE GETTING THE HELL OUT OF HERE! YOU'VE HAD ENOUGH BLUEBALLS FOR ONE DAY!

In HINDSIGHT, maybe you should have INVESTED more POINTS into your SABER SKILLS instead of BOOZE and FARCE POWERS.

You are now near the ESCAPE PODS of this APPARENTLY MILITARISTIC CHISS VESSEL. It would appear your TRAVEL TICKET got MIXED UP. While THESE THINGS can HAPPEN to EVERYBODY, they should not be your MAIN CONCERN right now. You are now FACED with a DIFFICULT DECISION in a STORY where CHOICES MATTER and EVERY CHOICE is DEEP and MEANINGFUL.

Will you board POD 01 to the moon of NAR SHADDAA... or will you board POD 02 to the moon of NAR SHADDAA?

You will NOT leave SUCH A FATEFUL CHOICE to some PALTRY COIN TOSS! Instead, you will leave it in the hands of some COSMIC MUMBO-JUMBO! Seems like a thing ANY SANE MAN would have done. You CLOSE your EYES and CONCENTRATE, FILTERING OUT the FORCE SPAM across the GALAXY to HEAR the FORCE say...

GEEZ, the FORCE should LOWER the tone of its voice!

With YOUR DECISION made for you, you have LITTLE CHOICE but to CHOOSE POD 02 because it is the VASTLY SUPERIOR CHOICE. You have ANALYZED all OUTCOMES in FULL DETAIL inside your MIND and you CONCLUDE that THIS IS THE WAY TO GO. POD 01 is FOR WUSSIES!

It SEEMS the BUTTON won't WORK. POD 02 is NOT OPENING. STUPID BUTTON! CHISS ENGINEERS can't do ANYTHING RIGHT!

POD 01 it is, then!

This entire sequence was brought to you by ChoicesMatter™.

You LEAVE BLUEBALLS behind you as you DESCEND into the SMUGGLER'S MOON BELOW. You are ABSOLUTELY SURE there was NOTHING SPECIAL in POD 02. Nope, NOTHING at ALL!

Somewhere... in the distant corners of the galaxy... you can hear a TOYDARIAN CRYING.

Alamact · Nov 29, 2018

Chapter 1: Barge of Pleasure
Part 1 - Nar Shaddaa
Part 2 - Nar Shaddaa
Part 3 - Nar Shaddaa
Part 4 - Nar Shaddaa

You are now a SITH LORD of the PUREST of BLOODLINES. Even though you pretty much look like the DEVIL HIMSELF, people shouldn't judge others simply by THEIR APPEARANCE... or so you OFTEN TRY TO TELL THEM. Once, you were a PROUD GRADUATE of the SITH ACADEMY on KORRIBAN. Now, you are in some WASHED UP RELIC of a CANTINA enjoying DRINKS UNWORTHY of YOU.

RATCHET, your PILOT, is MISSING. More importantly, she has the keys to YOUR SHIP! You should be looking for her SOMEWHERE, but FIRST...

What is your Darth Title?

Being a SITH LORD is obviously all about having a PIMPIN' TITLE. THEREFORE, HENCEFORTH, FROM THIS POINT ON, GOING FORWARD, you shall be known as... DARTH... SABER.

You quickly realize that your title is LITERALLY the DUMBEST THING EVER. To quote a certain Sith Lord: "Even a BLIND, DEAF, COMATOSE LOBOTOMY PATIENT could THINK UP a BETTER NAME."

Your MASTER must have been INSANELY DRUNK, OVERWHELMINGLY STUPID or a MASTER JOKESTER to grant you that name... maybe even ALL THREE! You've met fellow colleagues like Darth Aardvark or Darth Clank, but not even their names can begin to compare to the BLAND, BASIC TITLE that is DARTH SABER.

You've tried to FORCE CHOKE your master following the ceremony in RIGHTEOUS FURY, but the OLD FOOL liked it in a DISTURBING WAY.

However, what's done is done. You are forced to carry this mark FOR THE REST OF YOUR LIFE. NO BIG DEAL. With that said...

Do you follow the path of the LIGHT SIDE or the DARK SIDE?

You are a follower of the LIGHT SIDE, despite your ALLEGIANCES. You are pretty much the SITH DEFINITION of the "ONE PERCENT". If you thought the HORNS and TENDRILS made you UNPOPULAR with the LADIES, your dangerously BENEVOLENT NATURE has practically made your life JEDI CELIBATE in all but name!

You reminisce about your ACADEMY DAYS on KORRIBAN, back when you were a GREASY NERD with ROCK-STAR HAIR.

Only three of you made it into the GRADUATION CEREMONIES and quite frankly, you don't remember ANY of them. You majored in SITH ETHICS with FLAWLESS MARKS, as it was your FAVORITE CLASS of all. It is possible that you were the only acolyte to attend that course under the tutelage of a once LEGENDARY SITH LORD named STEVE.

At any rate, those days are now behind you. Unlike your peers, you had NO FURTHER INTEREST in the intricacies of SITH POLITICS. Nope, you, DARTH SABER, choose LIFE. No BACKSTABBINGS, NEFARIOUS PLOTTING and INCINERATION to NEAR DEATH for you!

Ratchet has still not arrived with your keys. Common sense tells you to GO and LOOK FOR HER. On the other hand, the LOCAL BARTENDER is WHINING about a LOST HELMET or something.

What do you do?

You approach the NEWCOMER thinking it was about damn time you concluded your evening with the two things this place actually advertized: BOOZE and GIRLS. Unfortunately, you have NO IDEA how to TALK to an actual GIRL. Your time spent in the LIBRARIES of KORRIBAN have DULLED your SKILLS, among other things. And let's be honest here: that FACE of yours isn't DOING you ANY FAVORS either.

You conclude that the best COURSE of ACTION would be to CHECK UP on the BARTENDER of this establishment. At this point, you're FLAILING ABOUT the room like a CONSTIPATED PARROT. The BARTENDER introduces himself as BART "BARTENDER" EN'DARR and a WEIRD TRIANGLE now appears above his head.

"Some darn kid stole my helmet."

"Okay."

"What? You're supposed to be looking for it and act like you're really interested in what I have to say - can't you see the triangle?"

"I see the triangle."

"Well, then, get to it! You think I haven't seen that white star hovering at the ceiling of my bar? I know helping old people is in your repertoire! Can't fool me, nope. Can't fool old Bart En'darr."

It looks like you've received a QUEST! Would you like help?

...At this point, the TUTORIAL is becoming a valid form of torture. Regardless, you now have ANOTHER CHORE to do in addition to FINDING OUT where RATCHET is. Well done, SABER! What an OPTIMAL use of a SITH LORD'S TIME!

What do you do next?

You ask Bart En'darr about his SISTER. Soon after, WEIRD MENTAL IMAGES keep SWIRLING in your HEAD. Now that's a picture you won't be getting out of your mind for QUITE A WHILE! Bart is not AMUSED.

In fact, Bart is PRACTICALLY INSULTED! He draws his MASSIVE ASSAULT RIFLE of DAYS LONG SINCE PASSED and FEROCIOUSLY VOWS to send you to hell with MORE HOLES than his rifle has SEEN BATTLES. You realize this must be a RATHER TALL NUMBER... I mean, that thing is pretty much falling apart.

Regardless, since you're a GOOD GUY and all... you proceed to leave the CANTINA with no further trouble. You lose 15 REPUTATION with the LADIES for NOT STANDING UP for yourself.

You are now OUTSIDE BOOZE GIRLS, somewhere in the CORELLIAN SECTOR of NAR SHADDAA. You have no idea where Ratchet is, outside your suspicions that she's in some kind of SLEAZY DANCE CLUB again. You feel obligated to RETURN the helmet to BART, despite not even knowing how the dastardly thief LOOKS LIKE or what KIND of HELMET it actually is. All in all, a TERRIFIC START to YOUR EVENING! On the bright side, you never paid for your TAB before LEAVING the CANTINA. But since you're a KIND-HEARTED SITH and all, this fact actually makes you sad.

To the right is a GREEN WOMAN who is CONVENIENTLY mumbling something about a LOST HELMET. Behind her are TWO MANDALORIANS and an OLD GEEZER. Above them is a COLOSSAL WANTED POSTER... the BIGGEST ONE you've EVER SEEN. Apparently, the FUGITIVES there are worth 20 MILLION CREDITS to someone.

What do you do?

Alamact · Nov 29, 2018

Chapter 1: Barge of Pleasure
Click here to go back to the Chapter's master post.

You approach the old geezer first and ask him to speak on behalf of you with the green woman. While the old geezer has even LESS of an EXPERIENCE talking with WOMEN, old geezer is a TOTAL BRO and AGREES to help you FREE of CHARGE.

OLD GEEZER is MOST ASSUREDLY walking to his doom as he STUTTERS OUT a faint "H-hello." to the GREEN WOMAN. You APPLAUD such COURAGE!

The GREEN WOMAN replies with an EXCITED "Hi!".

The old geezer cannot PROCESS such a RESPONSE and EXPERIENCES an ABJECT HEART ATTACK!

OLD GEEZER is no MORE. He was, till the end, a TOTAL BRO. You will now have to WORK HARD to solve your CURRENT PREDICAMENT.

You try to IMAGINE the GREEN WOMAN as your MISSING PILOT, RATCHET. After some EXHAUSTIVE CONCENTRATION and SELF-INFLICTED MIND TRICKS, your deception works and you can now only see the ONE FEMALE SPECIMEN you can ACTUALLY have a CONVERSATION WITH.

You APPROACH PSEUDO-RATCHET overwhelmed by YOUR OWN MAGNIFICENT BRILLIANCE! It's a REAL SHAME about the POOR OLD GEEZER, though.

NOT-RATCHET explains to you the MASSIVE SITUATION you've JUST brought yourself in. She PULLS OUT and EXTENDS a hologram of the DESPICABLE THIEF who STOLE BART'S HELMET... and THAT is apparently the LEAST of HIS MANY OFFENSES to BEGIN WITH!

She tells you that this FOUL PERSON simply goes by the name of "THE FLUKE".

You finally have a FACE for the NEFARIOUS VILLAIN! FAKE-RATCHET explains that not only did he steal the BELOVED BARTENDER'S HELMET, he also HELPED those fugitives ESCAPE JUSTICE after being personally hired to track them down. Most importantly, however, he TOOK the BOUNTY MONEY for himself and THEN helped them escape. SUCH INSOLENCE CANNOT BE TOLERATED!

As you try to process the SUDDEN OUTBURST of INFORMATION you've just received, it SLOWLY SINKS IN to you that you've just entered into a RIGHT PROPER CLUSTERSTORM of BUGGERY. It is time to REEVALUATE your PRIORITIES for this EVENING.

Do you continue your search for RATCHET or do you attempt to find this mysterious FLUKE?

You decide to help out FAKE-RATCHET in her task by dragging her with you, even though she probably has BETTER THINGS to do. Surely this will INCREASE your STANDING with the ladies?

You ASSUME CORRECTLY and GAIN 15 REPUTATION for REPRESENTING AN AUTHORITY FIGURE.

You ALSO LOSE 30 REPUTATION for BEING TOO PUSHY.

It seems you still have much to learn.

You now arrive in FILLER STREET #2, at least, those are your assumptions based on how WELL-DRAWN and DETAILED the area looks like.

Your mind trick is losing its EFFECT on you and FAKE-RATCHET has regained her ORIGINAL CLOTHING. You better hope to wrap this up quickly or your task will become EXTRA-DIFFICULT VERY SOON.

In front of you is a PLEASURE BARGE belonging to GRABBA THE HUTT.

You assume this is where REAL-RATCHET most likely is, considering it also doubles as a SLEAZY DANCE CLUB. It could also be a good place to look for the THE FLUKE.

However, the FANCY BOUNCER and MANDALORIAN block your way to the barge because you're NOT COOL ENOUGH to ENTER.

What do you do?

You suggest to FAKE-RATCHET that she best use her WOMANLY CHARM if you are to GET INSIDE the PLEASURE BARGE. You do this by repeatedly raising your EYEBROWS (TENDRILS?) in SUGGESTIVE RHYTHM.

FAKE-RATCHET is ANNOYED. You lose 60 REPUTATION. Only a miracle will bring you back from this PIT you've DUG YOURSELF INTO. It seems you'll have to find a way to get past the GUARDS of your OWN VOLITION and PERSONAL TALENT. You decide to challenge the Mandalorian to a DANCE OFF!

You start dancing worse than YOUR AVERAGE WHITE MAN with your ARMS FLAPPING AWKWARDLY around you. You lose 120 REPUTATION with the LADIES.

The Mandalorian won't even dignify your "ATTEMPT" with a response.

You now devolve into spouting all the INCREDIBLY AWESOME THINGS you did at the SITH ACADEMY like pulling two ALL-NIGHTERS in a row STUDYING SITH ETHICS. FAKE-RATCHET is so embarrassed to be in your presence right now.

Seeing that you're being misunderstood here, you opt for a DIFFERENT STRATEGY. You are willing to relinquish one of your MOST PRIZED POSSESSIONS, a poster that you used to collect in... HAPPIER DAYS. You show the FANCY BOUNCER your signed poster of FONZIE.

FANCY BOUNCER prefers MORK over FONZIE INSTEAD. Somehow, this does not surprise you.

You use your invasive DOMINATE MIND ability. You know, something only LIGHT-SIDED CHARACTERS have. You tell the GUARDS to JUMP OFF the fence. The Mandalorians remain unconvinced. LAZER-BRAIN here, on the other hand...

You wonder how long it's going to take him to reach the bottom. The Mandalorians will want YOUR HEAD for THIS! Luckily, you think quickly on your feet.

"Guys, guys... did you know that there is HONOUR to be found at the bottom of this street?"

"DID YOU JUST SAY HONOUR?"

"Yes, honour."

"FOR HONOURE! MANDALORE, WITNESS ME!"

"Yes! HONOURER!"

FAKE-RATCHET has NO IDEA what's going on here anymore.

You have gained a level! You are now a LEVEL 3 SITH WARRIOR. This is totally a NATURAL POINT to you leveling up! Yep, no CONTRIVED REASON for your SUDDEN ADVANCEMENT in power like GIVING the LAZY AUTHOR time to FINISH DRAWING some PALTRY BACKGROUND for the inevitable next scene.

*COUGH*

You have ONE POINT to spend in the following categories: SABER, HEALTH, POWER, ETHICS, GIRLTALK, CHOKE and DANCE.

Which of these six attributes do you wish to increase?

Let's face it. There's only one REASONABLE choice to pick and that is GIRLTALK. Congratulations! You have now unlocked the FOLLOWING CONVERSATION TOPIC: SHOPPING. What? Oh, you thought this would actually be a USEFUL ABILITY? No, no, you've got your series all mixed up. This is the "BORDERLINE OFFENSIVE STEREOTYPES" one.

Since the FILLER SCENE has PRETTY MUCH BEEN CLEARED of ANYTHING WORTHWHILE (talk about milking a franchise), the time has come to CROSS THE BRIDGE and head into the DIRECTION of the PLOT.

You are now on board GRABBA'S PLEASURE BARGE in its CENTRAL PART. Above you, some individuals are dancing VERY SLEAZILY. It's a shame you can't SEE the fine animations on this, but alas... you know how BUDGET CONSTRAINTS work. FAKE-RATCHET is now even closer to her ORIGINAL FORM. At this rate, you better hope she LIKES SHOPPING.

REAL RATCHET must be SOMEWHERE AROUND HERE. It is time to MINGLE your way through the party to find her.

What do you do?

Alamact · Nov 29, 2018

Chapter 1: Barge of Pleasure
Click here to go back to the Chapter's master post.

"Hi, I'm Darth Saber and welcome to Jackass!"

Well, you've officially ruined the party. Congratulations!

MATT, the NEW RADAR TECHNICIAN of the RUST LEGION gives you a thumbs up. He didn't like those posers anyway. He admits that you have TRUE STYLE and SUBSTANTIAL DANCE TALENT, though coming from the PASTIEST WHITE GUY you've ever met, you're not sure if you're supposed to take this as a GOOD THING.

Returning to the business at hand, you decide to ask the LOCAL COMMANDER, once a FAMOUS HOLONET TROLL best known for clogging the PRIVATE GOVERNMENTAL FORUMS of RATTATAK with FIVE HUNDRED PAGES of SITHPOSTING, a HUMBLE GUY named CANCEROUS ORDO as to the whereabouts of RATCHET.

"Oh, you're looking for a Ratchet?"

"That is correct."

"Well... there are a lot of ratchet girls around here."

Frustrated by his DEADPAN DELIVERY, you decide to press the matter further.

"No, no, I'm looking for THE RATCHET."

"In that case, she'll be here soon. I'll send word personally."

What's this? ACTUAL PROGRESS? You decide to celebrate by challenging the HELMETED MANDALORIAN over there to a DRINKING CONTEST.

He demonstrates why this isn't such a BRIGHT IDEA. REPEATEDLY.

With CANCEROUS sending word for RATCHET, you decide to join the ARMORED CHICK by the LONESOME TABLE. You settle for using your NEWFOUND GIRLTALK ABILITY, "SHOPPING", on her.

"Hi! Clunky armor keeping your endurance down? You feel such a stunning bounty hunter such as yourself and your targets deserve better? Look no further than MR. SABER'S ARMOR CLEANSER, the finest product for that alluring sheen polish in the entire galaxy. It's so good; it even cleanses the dark side itself! One hundred percent Ziostian!"

The ARMORED CHICK likes what you're offering. MATT is being a TOTAL BRO and gives you ANOTHER THUMBS UP. You realize you've NEVER ACTUALLY GOTTEN THIS FAR with a GIRL before. She introduces herself as "THE QUIRK" and asks for the STANDARD PRICE of ONE MR. SABER'S CLEANSER.

Hang on just a second here... THE QUIRK!?

The ARMOR. The NICKNAME. It ALL ADDS UP! THE QUIRK and THE FLUKE must be related in SOME WAY! You need to find a means to extract the LOCATION of the FLUKE from her, SHE HAS TO KNOW.

It's all come down to this. This is what your evening has been building up to. Best not screw this up, or your reputation will suffer. DEVASTATINGLY SO.

With that said...

What do you do?

"The standard price for a bottle is 500 credits... but wait, that's not everything! If you order in bulk, you get triple the amount for the same cost. Not only that, but it will also be delivered to your place of residence within one planetary rotation!"

You offer to discuss the BORING DETAILS of this arrangement IN PRIVATE.

The QUIRK is amazed by the MIND-NUMBINGLY CHEAP DEAL you've proposed and lists her ship, THE CENTENNIAL TURKEY, as her current place of residence. She decides to take the offer and show you around the ship once the party here formally ends.

You gift her with a COMPLEMENTARY BOTTLE for a SUCCESSFULLY-STRUCK BARGAIN.

Who would have thought you'd actually acquire a COMPANION with a BOTTLE of AEROSOL?

Congratulations! You now have TWO POTENTIAL COMPANIONS.

FAKE-RATCHET apparently doesn't count, on account of her NOT BEING GENUINE and all.

As a bonus, you convince MATT to join your GROWING ENTERPRISE as JUNIOR PARTNER.

He give you his THIRD and LAST THUMBS UP. Geez, it's like he doesn't know any other gesture. He leaves to MAKE PREPARATIONS as you enjoy your greatest streak of success since the ACADEMY DAYS.

FAKE-RATCHET, on the other hand, decides to actually move this story FORWARD and HEADS to the LEFT SIDE of the barge. You and THE QUIRK follow.

You are now at the front end of GRABBA'S BARGE and... BY THE FORCE, THAT RATCHETY GIRL JUST COMMITTED SUICIDE! It looks like your DANCING SKILLS have left quite the mark on others. WELL DONE!

FAKE-RATCHET has returned to her ORIGINAL LOOK. Apparently, she also lead you to the WRONG PART of the ship and instead of moving the story forward, she derailed it even further as a result. You realize that you've also failed in finding out a connection between THE QUIRK and THE FLUKE meaning that you...

"He's my brother."

WELL, THEN.

FAKE-RATCHET asks THE QUIRK on the current whereabouts of her brother. THE QUIRK happily reveals that THE FLUKE is currently located inside a SHADY APARTMENT. Sounds like a nice place, doesn't it?

Now all that's left is to wait for Ratchet to arrive. You can GO BACK to the central part of the barge or you can CONTINUE MINGLING here doing whatever the hell you want.

What do you do?

You approach the ledge of the pleasure barge to see absolutely NO TRACE of the RATCHETY GIRL. She's LONG GONE. On the upside, no one can give you SUPER SITH WEDGIES this time. This time, you come prepared with your ROBE. Oh, that's right, BULLIES. No more EASE OF ACCESS.

FAKE-RATCHET has had enough of your HIJINKS and pushes you off the barge! FAKE-RATCHET seems to forget that you're a SITH LORD. It is time to REMIND HER.

Well, that was ANTICLIMACTIC...

Let's try that again, shall we?

You land successfully near the MANDALORIAN JEDI. Seeing as how Ratchet is a MANDALORIAN herself, maybe he knows where she actually is, even though Cancerous already promised to bring her to you.

The Jedi frankly doesn't give a damn that you're a Sith Lord and all, so he decides to HELP YOU OUT.

He tells you that RATCHET never went to this PARTICULAR PARTY. Hang on... if that's the case, then what the hell is Cancerous bringing to you?

You return to the central part of the barge to find a WOMAN next to CANCEROUS whose TRUE PURPOSE of her HAIRDO escapes you. You are, however, certain beyond the shadow of a doubt that it must be some kind of KOWAKIAN MONKEY-LIZARD NESTING GROUND.

Still no apparent sign of Ratchet, though.

You realize, too late, that this is the ACTUAL RATCHET you ASKED FOR. CANCEROUS is seen smirking in the background.

You now face the QUEEN OF ALL RATCHETS. Her make-up is already smearing all across her greasy face after each consecutive FOOTSTOMP she takes.

THE RATCHET QUEEN has approached you, the NAR SHADDAA DANCE CLUB equivalent of a BOSS FIGHT.

What do you do?

Alamact · Dec 29, 2018

Chapter 1: Barge of Pleasure
Click here to go back to the Chapter's master post.

You want to be free of this pain. You know what you have to do, but you don't know if you have the strength to do it.

You point out that FAKE-RATCHET is obviously trying to steal the QUEEN'S STYLE. Surely a woman of her GRANDSTANDING won't suffer such a SHAMELESS INDIGNITY.

"Nuh-uh, hun. She clearly can't afford my swag."

This'll be a lot harder than you initially thought.

Frozen in place by her OVERPOWERING PRESENCE, you patch together an alternate plan of dealing with the RATCHET QUEEN.

You decide to ask the HELMETED MANDALORIAN to come to your aid.

The Ratchet Queen is INFURIATED that she is no longer the CENTER of ATTENTION.

YOU HAVE STARTED THE WITCH.

Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, after all.

The MANDALORIAN gets RAMMED OFF the PLEASURE BARGE and now you're next!

You reflexively use your FORCE CHOKE ability and send the HORRID DEVIL back into the pits of hell.

Since she was ultimately innocent and DID NO HARM to others, you EARN +1 to your RED POINTS. Your SITH ETHICS PROFESSOR would be SO DISAPPOINTED in you right now.

However, you earn +300 REPUTATION with the LADIES for being the ULTIMATE BADASS.

Worth it.

UH-OH. This doesn't bode well.

GRABBA THE HUTT himself has appeared via holo to greet you. It looks like you just killed his TOP SCHUTTA.

You have interfered in his affairs for the FIRST and LAST TIME.

FAKE-RATCHET takes this opportunity to sneak away. The SELF-PROCLAIMED ARCHON of the HUTTS starts to laugh a VILLAINOUS LAUGH. You're pretty sure he's just consecutively bellowing the word "HUE".

You had no idea he was a Raxus Browns fan.

Grabba's LOYAL BODYGUARDS and PIGGSY THE SECRETARY appear out of nowhere and surround you!

You, my friend, have officially hit the end of your night. Did you achieve what you set out to do? Why, look at that! Absolutely not.

In hindsight, this was all FAKE-RATCHET'S fault.