SPECULATION TFA: Write the Opening Crawl

You forgot to mention the "majestik moose" that once bit your sister.

 

READ THE RULES.

 

Star Wars Episode VII

The Force Awakens

30 years have passed since the destruction of the SECOND DEATH STAR and the defeat of the SITH LORDS. The Galaxy now finds itself in a COLD WAR between the REPUBLIC and the mysterious FIRST ORDER which has declared itself the heir to the old EMPIRE

On planets controlled by the FIRST ORDER stands a new group of heroes known as the RESISTANCE. Secretly led by the legendary PRINCESS LEIA these ragtag forces battle for freedom against their new overlords

Hearing rumors that an artifact key to finding the legendary Jedi Knight LUKE SKYWALKER, who has been missing for 10 years, is located on the backwater planet of JAKKU. Forces led by the mysterious KYLO REN seek out this artifact. Unbeknownst to them PRINCESS LEIA has secretly sent her own agent POE DAMERON to retrieve the artifact himself before it is used to sow chaos throughout the galaxy. . . ​

 

Based on the quotes of your original post, reminds me of the interludes in Monty Python and the Holy Grail.

I like that one though.

 

Well I mean the Force must've had a crazy night and awakens with a full bladder if it was a 30 year bender

 

What rules? The ones that state we can't have fun?

 

nono, only kidding

 

Fair enough; chalk it up to sarcasm being relatively impossible to convey online. Move along, move along.

 

LUCASFILM

A LONG TIME AGO ... IN A GALAXY FAR FAR AWAY ...



STAR
WARS

Episode VII

THE FORCE AWAKENS


the balance in the force has finally been restored.
the evil sith emperor was killed by ANAKIN SKYWALKER
and the regional governments of the evil empire have disbanded.

amidst peace in the galaxy, planetary systems like JAKKU
who have joined the new republic, are still struggling in rebuilding
their territories and its inhabitants are living in the ruins of past wars.


one of the remaining galactic empire governments called
the FIRST ORDER now led by General HUX is determined
to hunt down one of the last Jedi with the help of KYLO REN
in order to pursue his final goal .... ​

 

STAR WARS
Episode VII
The Force Awakens

It is a time of hope in the theaters. Filming from a hidden location
called Pinewood, our favourite actors, along with a bright and talented
cast of newcomers, have completed filming the further adventures
we had all hoped for, but never dreamed would happen.

Inspired by ridiculously huge profit potential, accountants from the
House of Mouse put together a package that could not be turned
down. Unknown to them, the Dark Lord of the Sith had been
planning this all along, and all went according to his plans.

Now, the theater has gone dark. The fanfare we all had grown
used to is no more, and has been replaced with the theme
that would forever mark the destiny of the saga. With drinks
large enough to bathe a family of four, and popcorn with enough
butter to kill that family with a heart attack, the stage is set...

​

 

Episode VII​

THE FORCE AWAKENS​

It is a period of cold war.
First Order spaceships, striking
from a hidden base, have won
their first victory against
the New Republic.

During the battle, Resistance
agents managed to steal a
Stormtrooper that knows the
layout of the First Order's
ultimate weapon, the STARKILLER
BASE, a weapon with enough power
to destroy an entire star fleet.

Pursued by the First Order's
sinister agents, Poe Dameron
races to Jakku, custodian of a
lightsaber that can save the
Resistance and restore
freedom to the galaxy....​

 

I see what you did there.

 

you win 5 internets for today

 

Only in your mind, my very young apprentice.

 

One day, I will become the greatest Jedi EVER. I will even learn how to stop people from dying!!!

 

Its good to have goals in life.

 

JJ Abrams: "Damnit! Now I have to rewrite the crawl!"

 

STAR WARS

Episode VII

THE FORCE AWAKENS

Dark times loom. Remnant factions of the Galactic Empire, once thought eliminated, have resurfaced, united under the new banner of the FIRST ORDER.

Masked First Order commander KYLO REN now leads battalions of stormtroopers in a ruthless, galaxy-wide hunt for legendary Jedi Knight Luke Skywalker, who mysteriously vanished years ago.

A relic from the Jedi’s past, rumored to contain information vital to finding the lost hero, hurtles towards the desert planet Jakku. Whosoever discovers it could hold the fate of the galaxy in their hands…
​

These were the criteria I went by:


- No Star Wars opening crawl has ever been longer than 85 words – that was the word count I landed on for this one

- It should lead up to but not describe what will happen in the opening shots of the movie, which, if MSW is right, means I cannot describe the lightsaber actually being located by MVS or Poe, etc

- It should be purposefully campy in some ways – it’s meant to invoke the Saturday morning, serial-esque feel that the original did – that’s why I included that last line and that first line. They’re a little portentous and cliché for my taste, but they fit Star Wars


The crawl still feels somewhat choppy to me and will need some revising, especially after the trailer comes out, if it does indeed come out on or before Force Friday.

 

sweet crawl