HUMOR Any fans of "Sweeney Todd" here?

Here's a rare bit of non-Star Wars parody from yours truly, This one dares to ask: What if Gordon Ramsay taped an episode of "Kitchen Nightmares" in a certain 19th Century London meat pie shop? (Based on "The Worst Pies in London.")​

“KITCHEN NIGHTMARES
(The Best Pies In London)”​

(Fleet Street, 19th Century London. Lights up on MRS. LOVETT’S PIE SHOP. Above the shop is an empty apartment which is reached by an outside staircase. MRS. LOVETT, a lively, boozy woman in her forties, is flicking flies off the tray of pies with a dirty rag as she hums. Her establishment looks every bit as run-down and poorly maintained as its owner. SWEENEY TODD, a stocky, melancholy man also in his forties, appears at the end of the street and moves slowly toward the pie shop as if remembering. He pauses a moment at some distance, gazing at the shop and at MRS. LOVETT through its window. She is now wielding a wicked-looking knife which she uses to chop suet. After a beat, TODD moves toward the shop when, at the last possible second, a SHADOW passes in front of him. Someone has cut him off and entered the building first!)

MRS. LOVETT: (gasps, spoken)
A customer!

(MRS. LOVETT jams the knifepoint into the countertop and nervously darts for the back room. Master chef GORDON RAMSAY has arrived with tousled hair, a small box under his arm, and a very large appetite!)​

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung as he looks around at the empty room)
Wait!
Where's the rush?
Dinner service
‘Cause I thought I’d be on time
But I find myself alone
Half a minute, can't you sit?
Sit you down!
SIT!

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
And tell you what?
That I’ve really had no business for a bit?
Did you come here for a pie, sir?

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung sarcastically while shrugging)
Didn’t think that you were serving something else!

(spoken as the pie is served on his table)​

What is THAT?!

(GORDON makes the Sign of the Cross and takes a bite.)​

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
See, I had to tighten up me belt
Due to how the people keep avoiding—
What the hell!

(smacks her hand on a bug trying to crawl away)​

Goodness knows I try, sir
ICK!

(wiping her hand on the edge of the counter)​

But it’s hard enough for me to make a sale

(GORDON spits out his pie piece)​

Right you are, sir

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung as she places a tall beer in front of him)
So you get ‘em drunk on ale!
Mind you, I can't hardly blame them
These are certified the worst piеs in London

(MRS. LOVETT finally sits as GORDON takes a swig of her beer.)​

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
I know why nobody cares to take them

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung)
You should know

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
I bake them
But good?

BOTH: (spoken firmly)
NO!

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
The worst pies in London

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung)
Here’s another thought:
The best pies in London
If you let me have a shot

(The music pauses as MRS. LOVETT samples one of Gordon’s pies from the small box. She closes her eyes and moans as though it’s the best thing she’s ever eaten, then she opens her eyes and appears embarrassed by her reaction. The music resumes.)​

Say that’s not atrocious!

MRS. LOVETT: (sung)
My, aren’t you conceited!

GORDON RAMSAY: (sung, gestures to Mrs. Lovett’s pie)
Your pie’s like necrosis
A cookbook, you’ll need it

(angrily throws a piece of her pie across the room)​

The worst pies in London!
And I wonder what’s the source of meat?
What is it?

(LOVETT grunts)​

Where’d you get it?

(LOVETT grunts)​

Wherever

(LOVETT grunts)​

Did you find this rotting flesh?
And your recipes are flawed

(LOVETT grunts)​

What a fraud

(LOVETT grunts)​

Serving thawed

(LOVETT grunts)​

Instead of using something fresh!

MRS. LOVETT: (sung, protesting loudly)
Mrs. Mooney has a pie shop!

GORDON RAMSAY: (spoken)
HAD!

(sung)​

Closed it down because I noticed something weird
Hate to think that you would try it over here

(MRS. LOVETT clears her throat and stifles a guilty look on her face)​

So I had to shut it down
Heard the cries
City whispers
Bitten into kitty whiskers
T’would never do in MY shop!
As a chef, you must begin with discipline!
That is how you win a star from Michelin!

(MRS. LOVETT rolls her eyes)​

No denying work is hard, love
Even harder than
The worst pies in London
Only lard and nothing more
Is that what you’re serving?
All greasy and gooey
Are we so deserving
Of meat raw—
And chewy?
A woman alone
Who’s in it to win

(offering up another one of his delicious pies)​

With the best pies in London!

(The briefest musical pause.)​

MRS. LOVETT: (sung as she takes another small bite)
Ah, sir...

(feeling inspired)​

Let’s begin
Let’s BEGIN!

(GORDON and MRS. LOVETT embrace with excitement, The music concludes with an ENTHUSIATIC ONE-TWO PUNCH as GORDON kisses her on both cheeks. Meanwhile, SWEENEY TODD has observed this entire scene from outside the pie shop. Dejected and confused, he shrugs his shoulders and continues on his way along Fleet Street until we lose sight of him in the dark London night.)​

 

Thanks @Master_Farkaz! I liked the movie very much, but I was blown away when I saw it live on Broadway twice last year with Josh Groban, Annaleigh Ashford and Gaten Matarazzo. Amazing stuff, no matter how you watch it!

 

^ Hopefully it'll tour there at some point. You never know!

 

Alternate ending that doesn't go so well for Chef Ramsay:

(GORDON and MRS. LOVETT embrace with excitement, The music concludes with an ENTHUSIATIC ONE-TWO PUNCH as GORDON kisses her on both cheeks.)​

GORDON RAMSAY: (spoken)
Now, kindly show me where your meat is stored, yes?

(MRS. LOVETT gulps hard as the pair exits. Meanwhile, SWEENEY TODD has observed this entire scene from outside the pie shop. He raises his right arm and suddenly a glint of metal appears in his hand, his reach now extended by a deadly sharp razor. A CHORUS is heard over gothic music.)​

CHORUS: (sung)
Swing your razor wide, Sweeney!
Hold it to the skies!
Freely let the blood
For Mrs. Lovett’s pies!

(Sensing devious opportunity, TODD enters the shop, laughing maniacally….)​

His moves were quick and his eyes were wild
The scourge of man and of woman and child
And even chefs of a master class
Would lapse in the flash of a faster slash
From Sweeney
From Sweeney Todd
The Demon Barber of Fleet Street...

(Lights out.)​