HUMOR Any fans of "Six: The Musical" here?

"Six" is a fun stage show currently playing Broadway and touring around the world. It reimagines the story of Henry VIII from the perspective of his many wives, who've gathered to form a pop supergroup singing modern tunes that try to set the record straight.

Naturally, it's ripe for parody. Here's my inevitable Star Wars attempt based on the show's opening number, "Ex-Wives." My version is about a group of Sith Lords forming their own touring supergroup. (NOTE: The ALL-CAPS denotes sung lyrics, the mixed case denotes spoken dialogue.)

“SITH LORDS”​

(SIX FIGURES take the stage in total darkness, shrouded in mystery. If we listen carefully, we might hear the sounds of mechanically-assisted breathing coming from one of them. The music begins ominously. A DRAMATIC SLAM and a solitary spotlight on...)​

DARTH REVAN. (spoken)

Reformed.​

(A DRAMATIC DOUBLE SLAM and spotlight on...)​

​

DARTH MAUL. (spoken)

Severed.​

(A DRAMATIC DOUBLE SLAM and spotlight on...)​

​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (spoken)

Died.​

​

(A DRAMATIC TRIPLE SLAM and spotlight on...)​

​

DARTH VADER. (spoken)

Reformed.​

(A DRAMATIC DOUBLE SLAM and spotlight on...)​

DARTH TYRANUS. (spoken)

Severed.​

(The DRAMATIC DOUBLE SLAM and spotlight on...)​

​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (spoken)

Revived.​

(A DRAMATIC TRIPLE SLAM.)​

​

DARTH REVAN. (spoken)

And tonight
we are...​

(A silent beat.)​

ALL. (sung)

LIVE!​

(On cue, the music blares loudly and lights are up full. REVAN, PLAGUEIS, and SIDIOUS blast Sith Lightning skyward dramatically while MAUL, VADER, and TYRANUS hold their red lightsabers high above their heads.)​

​

DARTH REVAN. (sung)

LISTEN UP
LET ME TELL YOU A STORY​

DARTH MAUL. (sung)

A STORY THAT YOU’VE NEVER HEARD BEFORE​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (sung)

YOU’LL GET TO KNOW OUR NAMES
AND OUR FAME
AND OUR FACES​

DARTH VADER. (sung)

KNOW ALL ABOUT OUR GLORIES
AND OUR DISGRACES​

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung)

I’M CERTAIN NOW IT'S TIME
THAT YOU SEE OUR UNDISPUTED PRIME​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (sung)

SO WE’RE LAYIN’ DOWN A HOLO WITH A MICROPHONE​

ALL. (sung)

THE GALAXY’S ABOUT TO GET OVERTHROWN​

DARTH REVAN. (spoken)

Reformed.​

DARTH MAUL. (spoken)

Severed.​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (spoken)

Died.​

DARTH VADER. (spoken)

Reformed.​

DARTH TYRANUS. (spoken)

Severed.​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (spoken)

Revived.​

ALL. (spoken)

But just
for you
tonight
we're reformed
severed

(sung)​

LIVE!​

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO OUR HISTORY WITH
CHANGES ON THE GO ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA DEMYTH
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD ABOUT SITH LORDS

RAISING UP THE ROOF WHEN WE SHOOT SITH LIGHTNING
READY FOR THE TRUTH? WELL, IT’S SUPER FRIGHTENING
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD SHOULD BE IGNORED...

(vocalizing)​

ABOUT US
SITH LORDS

(Instrumental break. The “Imperial March” in pop music-style.)​

​

DARTH REVAN. (sung)

ALL YOU EVER HEAR AND READ ABOUT​

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung, looking at Vader)

IS MY NECK AND THE WAY IT ENDED​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (sung, looking at Sidious)

HOW YOU SHOULDN’T EVER TURN YOUR BACK ON US​

DARTH VADER. (sung, looking at Sidious)

YOU'RE GONNA FIND OUT HOW HE GOT UPENDED​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (sung)

TONIGHT, WE GONNA DO IT UP RIGHT
AND WE'LL ANSWER WHAT YOU’VE ASKED​

DARTH MAUL. (sung)

LIKE EVERY ZABRAK LORD HAS HIS HORNS
SO YOU'RE GONNA GET THE POINT AT LAST​

DARTH REVAN. (spoken, bored)

Reformed.​

DARTH MAUL. (spoken, bored)

Severed.​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (spoken, bored)

Died.​

DARTH VADER. (spoken, bored)

Reformed.​

DARTH TYRANUS. (spoken, bored)

Severed.​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (spoken, bored)

Revived.​

ALL. (spoken)

But just
for you
tonight
we're reformed
severed

(sung)​

LIVE!​

WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO OUR HISTORY WITH
CHANGES ON THE GO ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA DEMYTH
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD ABOUT SITH LORDS

DANCING TO THE BEAT TILL WE GO THE DISTANCE
AND THEN WE'LL START AGAIN AND MEET NO RESISTANCE
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD SHOULD BE IGNORED...

(vocalizing)​

ABOUT US
SITH LORDS​

ALL (EXCEPT REVAN). (spoken)

Reformed.​

DARTH REVAN. (sung)

I’M DARTH REVAN FROM THE OUTER RIM
I FOUGHT IN TWO GALACTIC WARS AND MY LIFE WAS GRIM
AT MINIMUM, I AM A SYNONYM FOR KILLIN’ ‘EM
AND IF YOU TRY TO CROSS ME
THEN YOU GIVE UP A LIMB​

ALL (EXCEPT MAUL). (spoken)

Severed.​

DARTH MAUL. (sung)

I’M A ZABRAK HACK
AND I'M KINDA NEXT, SEE
I MAKE JEDI LOSE THEIR MINDS
WITH APOPLEXY

HOW DID I GO SO WRONG?
WELL, MY SABER NEVER WAVERS
BUT MY LEGS ARE GONE​

ALL (EXCEPT PLAGUEIS). (spoken)

Died.​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (sung)

DARTH PLAGUEIS, THE ONE AND ONLY TRUE SITH LORD​

ALL (EXCEPT PLAGUEIS). (spoken)

Rude.​

DARTH PLAGUEIS. (sung)

I SLEPT AND WAS RUDELY GORED
I DIED, BUT I'M NOT WHAT I SEEM OR AM I?
STICK AROUND, AND YOU'LL SEE HOW I PLAYED THIS​

ALL (EXCEPT PLAGUEIS AND VADER). (sung)

Reformed.​

DARTH VADER. (sung somewhat robotically)

ONCE.
KNOWN.
AS.
AN-A-KIN.​

ALL (EXCEPT VADER). (spoken)

Ya.​

DARTH VADER. (sung somewhat robotically)

THE CHOSEN ONE BECAUSE OF MIDI-CHOLORIANS​

ALL (EXCEPT VADER). (spoken)

Ya?​

DARTH VADER. (sung)

BUT I DIDN'T LOOK TOO GOOD AFTER MUSTAFAR
FUNNY HOW WE ALL DISCUSS THAT
BUT NOT THAT I’M A SUPER--​

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung, cutting him off)

START UP THE WAR
I'M THE ONE SITH LORD
WHO LOST HIS HEAD​

ALL (EXCEPT TYRANUS). (spoken)

It severed.​

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung, glancing at Sidious)

IN MORAL AMBIGUITY THAT BROUGHT ALL THE DEAD...
LOCK UP YOUR SABERS, LOCK UP YOUR GUNS
TYRANUS IS REX AND I FLEX FOR FUN!​

ALL (EXCEPT SIDIOUS). (spoken)

Revived.​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (sung)

FIVE DOWN, I'M THE FINAL SITH
I’VE BEEN DEAD BEFORE, THEREFORE, HEREWITH:
I'M THE REVIVOR, AND I CAN’T FALL
I BET YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT SNOKE
ET AL
AND THEN YOU’LL WANNA KNOW ABOUT EXEGOL
HEY!​

ALL. (sung)

DO YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT EXEGOL? THEN
WELCOME TO THE SHOW, TO OUR HISTORY WITH
CHANGES ON THE GO ‘CAUSE WE’RE GONNA DEMYTH
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD ABOUT SITH LORDS​

GET YOUR HANDS UP, GET THIS PARTY BUZZING
YOU WANT A GREAT TALE THAT YOU’LL BE DISCUSSING?
EVERYTHING YOU KNOW OR BEEN TOLD SHOULD BE IGNORED...

(extended vocalizing)​

ABOUT US
SITH LORDS​

(Instrumental break. The “Imperial March” in pop music-style, leading to the finale.)

​

ONE, TWO, THREE, FOUR, FIVE...
SITH!​

 

Bear with me, I've come up with what I think are better lines near the end:

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung, cutting Vader off)

START UP THE WAR
I'M THE ONE SITH LORD
WHO LOST HIS HEAD​

ALL (EXCEPT TYRANUS). (spoken)

It severed.​

DARTH TYRANUS. (sung, glances at Sidious)

FEELING A SANGUINITY
BEFORE I BLED...
OUT WITH YOUR SABERS, OUT WITH YOUR GUNS
TYRANUS IS REX AND I FLEX FOR FUN!
​

DARTH SIDIOUS. (sung)

FIVE DOWN, I AM SIDIOUS
I’VE BEEN DEAD, HENCE HIDEOUS
BUT I'M THE REVIVOR, AND I CAN’T FALL
I BET YOU WANNA KNOW ABOUT SNOKE, ET AL
AND THEN YOU’LL WANNA KNOW ABOUT EXEGOL
HEY!​