GAME Death Battle II!

Darth Lexor Kai got this started, and it was much too fun to let it die, so let's bring Round II to you, my Cantina friends!

This week's battle:

Captain Jack Sparrow

vs. Captain Han Solo.

Who would win, and why?

 

I'm going with Jack Sparrow.

Oh, excuse me. Captain Jack Sparrow.

It's a close contest. They're both captains, both have ships they acquired in non traditional, possibly even illegal ways. They both have bounties on their heads, are constantly running from the authorities, and, although neither of them have mystical superpowers, they both seem to get along just fine in a world where everyone else does.

We've watched them both escape from tribes that want to eat them (Jack's escape was way cooler) and from the executioner (Jabba's sail barge wins, because Carrie Fisher in a bikini).

They both have amazing luck.

And they're both brought to live by amazing actors. Neither character would be remembered if played by anyone else.

Now Han Solo definitely earned my respect because he got to kiss Carrie Fisher in two separate movies. That's some serious street cred. If Disney hadn't bought Lucasfilm I would have dropped four billion to buy it, just so I could cast myself as Carrie Fisher's onscreen kiss for each of the next three movies. Three is more than two, after all, and if I got to kiss Carrie Fisher in three different movies I'd say that four billion was well spent, even if the movies flopped.

Jack Sparrow got to kiss Kiera Knightley but she used the kiss to distract him while she shackled him to the ship and made her escape. So that qualifies as a "My heart's not really in it but I'll fake it to make you believe" kind of kiss, which is just a tiny bit of street cred.

But she was wearing a hat when he kissed her, so that's some added cred.

But I'm going with Sparrow because he's a master at asymmetrical warfare. He's good with a sword, but if you've got a sword he'll find some other advantage. Like a bellows or a ship mast. If you're undead and can't be killed, he'll turn undead for a few minutes just to make himself invincible, too. What I'm saying is that if Han Solo pulls a blaster, Jack Sparrow will pull a Kraken. Han Solo is good at doing the unexpected to gain the advantage in a fight, but Jack Sparrow is master.