Featured GAME [Interactive Comic] Old Republic Paint Adventures

Well, I figured if we're going to be leaving Blueballs 'n' the Chiss for a while, might as well go the extra mile.

DESPITE your deepest of PROTESTS, you know the ONLY WAY to TRAVERSE this RURAL NIGHTMARE is by *gasp* BLENDING IN. Not only will you have to TALK like a peasant: you'll also need to STINK like a peasant, DRESS like a peasant, be ON FIRE like a peasant.

You approach the LOCAL FARMER with what you perceive to be THEIR WAY of GREETING: "Oi, bruv! Lovely weather, innit?"



LOCAL FARMER is confused. It seems you have a RADICALLY DIFFERENT VIEW of how the PLEBS and their BARBARIC SORT act.

You return to BASIC LANGUAGE by ASKING for DIRECTIONS, to which the CHIVALROUS PEASANT responds IMMEDIATELY with KNOWLEDGE.



Indeed, his CHIVALRY is BEYOND EQUAL and as he puts it, he is a RATHER DASHING person ALTOGETHER; perfectly willing to PUT ASIDE PLOUGHING the FIELDS for PLOUGHIN *ahem* HELPING OUT many DAMSELS-IN-DISTRESS. You can be UNDOUBTEDLY sure that is a HELPFUL, GENUINELY SELFLESS PERSON without a SHRED of INDECENCY.

He tells you of a SMALL SETTLEMENT near a LAKE to the EAST of HERE and promises to ESCORT you in PERSON to your DESTINATION. There is ALSO an ABANDONED JEDI ENCLAVE to the WEST of HERE, but no one REALLY goes there ANYMORE for some ODD, UNCONVINCING REASON.

Do you follow this RATHER DASHING fellow back to the SETTLEMENT? If so, what FURTHER QUESTIONS do you ASK of HIM?

 

You test out your NEWFOUND INDEPENDENCE by going the OTHER WAY like a PROPER FREE LADY. You feel this is the PERFECT TIME to PLAY OUT your CHILDHOOD FANTASIES of DRESSING UP as a JEDI and SWINGING LIGHTSABERS at UNSUSPECTING FOOLS EVIL ENEMIES.

Frankly, it may have been prudent to pick up that pile of TREASURE lying in the ESCAPE POD first... but hey! You do you.



You arrive to find yourself SURROUNDED by a PACK of ANNOYING KATH HOUNDS. And you know what that means!

CUE THE COMBAT MUSIC!



The MUSIC is telling you it's time for BATTLE. And we all know music never lies... or GLITCHES in an ERRONEOUS COMBAT LOOP! So, you know... you should be FIGHTING right now! Yes, OFF to BATTLE with you!

What do you do?

 

You've figured it out.

You decide to UNSHEATHE your WEAPONS, only to QUICKLY REALIZE that you're LITERALLY ARMLESS!



THIS has since been RECTIFIED. HANDS, FINGERS, PALMS... you know, the FULL PACKAGE!



Instead of ABANDONING ALL PRIDE and SHOUTING like a LITTLE, HELPLESS GIRL to the imminent rescue of RATHER DASHING, you take your SWEET TIME RE-ARMING yourself that the local KATH HOUND pounces on you and knocks you down!



YOUR BLUE ASS is BEING HANDED to you by a MINDLESS PACK of SAVAGE BEASTS! Oh, the barbarity!



Look at that BULL KATH HOUND! Isn't he so happy? He's been staring at the sun for a GOOD PART of the AFTERNOON.

Must have whiffed some of that PURPLE PLANT, let me tell you.



You have GAINED A LEVEL! Because nothing builds TENSION quite like an UNEXPECTED, HALF-ASSED LEVEL-UP SCREEN in the middle of a GRUESOME DEATH SCENE.

Since this adventure conforms to RPG MECHANICS, as a result of the LEVEL UP, your health points are now FULLY RESTORED. Makes sense, right?



You are now a LEVEL 4 ASCENDANCY AGENT. Your choice of attributes is: WEAPON SKILL, HEALTH, POWER, POSH, CUNNING, BANE(POSTING) and last, but not least... STEALTH.

You have ONE ATTRIBUTE POINT to spend on ANY of these SIX CATEGORIES.

Which attribute do you wish to increase?

 

This insults the Missy! The Missy has already attained perfect looks!

...don't listen to that TART, SAPPHIRE! She's FULL of SPUNK!

 

You invest into the ART of STEALTH, because POWER is useless when you're dead. Since no one has paid any particular attention to your research before, applying that INDIFFERENCE to your ACTUAL PRESENCE should be child's play.



You have but a SHORT, FLEETING MOMENT before the KATH HOUND strikes again! You decide to spend it by FIDDLING with the GRAPHICAL SETTINGS of the game.



It says "HIGH" on this screen. As an UPPER CLASS LADY, surely you can do better?



That's more like it!

The differences are bound to be ABSURDLY DRAMATIC after this little tweak.



Congratulations! You can now render the following mountains: MOUNTAINS!

This will surely impact your VISUAL EXPERIENCE in PROFOUND WAYS.

However, let's get back to the matter at hand. In the nick of time, you decide to put STEALTH into good use.



Yes, that is a giant ROCK DISGUISE. Yes, it's actually working. Yes, this is probably the DUMBEST THING this series has pulled yet.

You SUCCESSFULLY evade the VICIOUS KATH HOUNDS and proceed onto the NEXT AREA because KATH HOUNDS are DUMB.



You reach the COURTYARD of the JEDI ENCLAVE as NOSTALGIC MUSIC swells in the background. This place is surprisingly PRISTINE and WELL KEPT for being abandoned so long. Something isn't right here.

What do you do?